So this is completely out of
character for me, but I feel like God wants me to share this because it could
bless someone. I’m not here to convince or convict you, just tell my story.
Okay, so where do I start? Well,
I realized I was struggling with depression when I was in college. Anyone who
knows me will probably read this and be in disbelief, but that’s how the devil
works. We make assumptions about what a certain thing looks like & when it
doesn’t fit that idea, we doubt its truth. For me, depression was a coat I wore
every day. Some days it was a light spring jacket, other days it was heavy
enough for me to climb Mt. Everest.
College was the worst for me. As
much as I looked forward to the experience, it proved to be more than I could
handle. I was almost expelled (2x), because I could barely muster the energy to
go to class, let alone do assignments. That’s a huge difference from the girl,
who’d just been the valedictorian of her high school class. Thankfully I was
able to get some counseling. I got back on track with the help of an amazing
support team & was able to walk across the stage to receive my degree.
Fast forward to now. I’m 30
(yikes!), married for 6 years, a stay at home mom, and have a pretty decent
life. Most people would think I have absolutely nothing to be depressed about.
Depression clouds your perception of your blessings. I saw everything through
the foggy lens of “if only”. For instance, if only we made more money Id’ be a
little happier, if only my daughter would sleep through the night I’d be
happier, if only….fill in the blank.
The past few months have been
particularly hard for me for various reasons. But from the outside you couldn’t
tell. I kept my mask intact. I didn’t let anyone see me cry, I didn’t call
friends to complain, I just sucked it up and told myself, you can handle it,
there are people who have it much worse. To be completely honest I was absent
from my life. Most days, my first thought in the morning was, I can’t wait to
go back to sleep. Which is crazy because I spent a great deal of time lying on
my couch, doing the bare minimum to get through the day.
Sunday was always my favorite
day. It was the day I got to dress up, be pretty & see if I could make it
through church without completely breaking down. Could I keep up my façade? But
in all honesty I didn’t want to. I wanted someone to see through the lie that I
was “doing fine”. I wanted someone to hug me and say I’m praying for you, or
ask is everything really okay. The sad truth is that many people share this
issue. The church is supposed to be a place where you can go for healing, but
so many of us are afraid of judgment, so we continue to die inside for fear of
being next weeks topic for the church’s gossip group.
Anyways, about 3 weeks ago I had
a major breakdown. I mean, I was balled up on the couch wondering if I was
losing my mind. I was ready to quit everything! I was frustrated with God, I was
irritated with my husband, life just sucked! But that breakdown was my
deliverance. As T.D. Jakes would say, “there’s a blessing in the breaking”.
There’s definitely truth to that. I had reached my wits end, and in that moment
of feeling defeated, I realized that I had been doing things in my own strength
for sooooo long. My strength had run out & now my soul was crying out. So now God could come pick up the
pieces, redirect me, and release me from this spirit of darkness.
I really thought I was crazy for
a minute. But at the same time there was a relief. Life is not my battle to
fight. Other peoples’ expectations are not my enemy. All the stuff that had
mentally plagued me for so long just came to mind and I just kept saying, Lord I can’t
deal with this anymore! The whole time I was blubbering & carrying on I
felt like He was right there, being the listening ear that I had been to
everyone else. That nonjudgmental, loving, quiet spirit but with the added
benefit of having the power to restore me, my soul and my mind.
So, I didn’t lose my mind, but I
did lose control. Actually I gave up control. I had to admit I was broken so I
could be fixed. I had to be transparent with God. It was easy to fool everyone
else, but God knows me inside and out. No sense in playing games. And for most
of us that’s what He’s waiting for. He wants you to be open, honest and
transparent with Him. Like that song ‘I want to be a Christian in my heart’. I always
wondered what that meant. Now I understand that you can look like a Christian,
talk like a Christian, walk like a Christian, dress like a Christian, and even
post like a Christian. But at the end of the day it’s what’s in your heart that
matters.
So that's the abbreviated version of my deliverance from the spirit of depression. I hope it has blessed or encouraged you in some way. Thanks for reading!
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8:36 NIV)
With Love,
E.Volving
