~There are years that ask questions, and years that answer~
Zora Neale Hurston
I wasn’t quite sure how I
wanted to share this, meaning a quick IG post or an actual blog post. I’ve obviously
chosen the latter.
Last week my husband and I had
a tough conversation. One I had been dreading but knew it was inevitable. Back
to that in a minute.
My last post left off with me
explaining how I was pretty emotionally rattled by my hyperthyroidism diagnosis
since it doesn’t work too well with trying to conceive. I’m not going to sit
here and pretend I’ve made peace with it, because it is my enemy. An unwelcome
guest in my body and I’m not planning to allow it to stay. The Bible says, He
will make my enemies my footstool and anything that opposes the plans God has
for my life, is an enemy. That is not limited to people, it includes things
(idols), faulty mindsets, sicknesses etc. What I have determined is that I will:
1.
Be very cautious not to allow myself to fall
into a state of self-pity, or the other extreme which is to completely ignore
it.
2.
Do my part to insure I am taking care of myself
physically. If that means I have to do a diet overhaul and join a gym, so be
it. I’m very anti-meds, but if that’s what it takes I won’t resist, but that
will be my last resort.
3.
Learn the lesson. Last year I decided to stop
playing victim and boss up! Stuff is ALWAYS going to happen in life, but it’s
up to you how you respond to the circumstances. So instead of lying on the
couch everyday moping about how this isn’t fair, I’m seeking God to find out
what He wants me to learn from this situation. Whether it be raising awareness,
learning to be a better steward of my health, or any other reason He may have
for allowing this to take place. Most of the things we go through in life
aren’t really for us anyway. They serve a much greater purpose.
Back to the tough conversation
*Sigh*. Seeing disappointment in the eyes of someone you love is never easy,
especially your spouse. We were excited to start this journey to give Persia a
little brother or sister (brother & sister if Billy had his way) and for it
to end so abruptly sucks. But I knew it was the right decision to take a break
from TTC until my thyroid is functioning properly. Not only that but it just
doesn’t feel like the right season. We have so many new responsibilities and
ambitions we’re pursuing that adding a new addition to the family would not be
the wisest choice right now. As much as I’d love to be a part of the baby bump
brigade, I know there’s no way I could carry a child with a clear conscious.
At the end of last year I
wrote in my journal that if I were not pregnant by January 1st, we’d
revisit the matter and discuss if it’s good timing. I had planned to take a
pregnancy test on Christmas but knew it would dampen my mood if it were
negative so I decided to wait until New Year’s Eve to pee on the stick. It was
kind of awkward because I stayed overnight at a friend’s, so I had to pack the
test in my bag and hope no one had to use the bathroom while I was waiting for
the result. It was negative, but I had already resolved that if it were
negative, I would see it as a necessary delay and not a denial.
Zora Neale
Hurston said, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” 2016
was my year of answers. While they may not have come as expected, I’m thankful
that I now understand why none of my pregnancies reached full term and I can
plan a course of action to make sure we have a healthy little chocolate baby
when the time is right.
Peace & Love,
E.volving
