~Some of Life's Best Lessons Are Learned At the Worst Times~
Saturday I had the opportunity
to audition for a reputable talent agency in Chicago. I was super excited for
several reasons. The first being, it was my birthday!! I felt like God was
re-gifting a dream that I’d put on hold for various reasons. The second reason
I was geeked is because it was a chance to redeem myself. This was the first
agency I’d ever auditioned for and part of the feedback I received was that I
needed to “change my hair”. At that time I was so insecure and unsure of my
identity that I thought it was an attack on my overall being as opposed to a preference
of a company that may have already had a natural hair model or thought I’d have
more opportunities with a more versatile hairstyle.
The thing that brought me
the most joy was the fact that the director of my favorite agency, K Models
Talent (Chicago), called me that week to encourage me to audition, because she
didn’t think I should give up on my dream just yet. I’d been having some
internal dialogue with myself, as well as with God, about why I still felt this
urge to be a part of the modeling world, even though I had tried to talk myself
into believing it wasn’t for me. So when Mrs.Katrell called it was confirmation
that I needed to move forward.
For 3 days I practiced my
commercial like it was going to win me an Oscar. I was in the mirror for
45minutes, every few hours to make sure I got my lines perfected. I was
determined to go in there and hit a home run, by having high energy and a
winning personality. But when Saturday came that is NOT what happened.
Even though I spent a good
deal of time reciting my commercial, I still had trouble memorizing it. To calm
my nerves I told myself, it’s not a big deal as long as I executed it with "believability". When I arrived for the audition, I was content. There was no
fear, which was different for me. I’m usually a nervous wreck, shaking and
trembling. But I felt confident because I had all of the right tools, the right
attitude and determination.
Shortly before it was my turn,
my mindset began to change. I went from confident and excited to questioning if
I really belonged there. What was I doing there anyway? I’m just a stay at home
mom, with no real experience and no real chance. I serve people, I don’t seek
success. It was bad. I recognized it and thought I’d talk to the best director
ever to get some words of wisdom. What I really wanted was a way out, if I can
be totally transparent.
It was my birthday, my husband
had to cancel a few plans because I decided to go “redeem” myself and chase a
dream I wasn’t sure I’d catch. So I actually thought about leaving but something
in me said, if you run now, you’ll run forever. The only thing I got out of my
short conversation with Mrs. Katrell was that I was fighting something & I
had to do some soul searching to figure out where I fit in this industry if I
wanted to be a part of it.
That didn’t help me at all.
The mounting pressure was becoming unbearable. There were only a few people
ahead of me and I was getting more and more nervous as each person completed
their flawless monologue or commercial.
When my turn finally came, I
thought I was going to be okay. O-M-G!!!! It was theeee worst audition I’ve
ever done. I stumbled over my words, forgot words, spoke too fast, had no
energy…anything that could go wrong, went wrong times 100. It was bad, like I
hope the ceiling falls on my head and crushes me or I hope the rapture happens right
now bad. Whatever I had intentions of conveying during that audition did not
happen whatsoever. Thankfully the guy I was auditioning for was patient and
allowed me to start over a few times because I was not going to leave until I
got through that commercial, which I did eventually. After I finished he gave
me some advice & I left feeling super embarrassed but very accomplished. I
reflected on everything that happened between the time I decided to audition
and the actual audition, and here are 3 things I learned from the experience.
1. Shift or Quit – Meaning I
needed to change the way I thought about myself. Over the past year God has been
doing some serious renovating in my life. One of the biggest things that He’s
dealt with is my view of myself. Though I have a much better sense of self, you
don’t know how far along you are in your process until there is a test of wills.
Was I going to let my old self win or the me I knew I could be? The old me
wanted to run for the hills, not do the audition and try again next time. Who
wants to do a bad audition on their birthday? Certainly not me! But I needed to
do it, not just to redeem myself but to stay committed to the process that was
started. I’ve always quit when things got tough. I’m grown so nobody could make
me follow through on anything. But I remember at the beginning of this year I
told God, I’m going to stay committed to the things I start and complete them
no matter what. This was the second major test He gave me this year to prove
that statement. So instead of quitting mid-audition because it wasn’t going
well, I clenched my fists and actually said out loud, “I’m not going to quit”,
pressed through and came out on the other side feeling better about completing
something poorly, then I would’ve felt if I wouldn’t have completed it at all.
2. Perfection Is NOT
Personable – One of my issues is that I am a perfectionist. My husband told me
that it’s not a bad thing because I want to do things with excellence, but the
thing that hinders me is that I wasn’t born a perfectionist, it was engrained
in me through religion. Since I was a child, I’ve always felt like
relationships were performance based. If I didn’t do something well, it wasn’t
for me because my inability to succeed quickly, meant that I’d be loved less. That’s
why I could perform in front of a stadium full of strangers with no problem,
but put me in front of 10 family members and I just might die of fright. So
when I started practicing my commercial I was so focused on perfecting my
technique and memorizing the words, that I missed the whole point which was to
be personable and draw people in. So it didn’t matter if I said everything I
was supposed to, if I had no personality I wouldn’t sell the product. Anybody
can recite lines, but being able to draw people in is what really matters.
3. Embarrassment Can Propel
Excellence – One of my biggest pet peeves is being embarrassed. I haaate it
with a passion. So to go into an audition knowing I wasn’t going to be flawless
was a challenge for me. This is probably the biggest of the 3 lessons. As previously
stated I have perfectionist tendencies, but I think God allowed me to fall on
my face while I was close to the ground so I wouldn’t forget it once I reached
new levels of success. He was like let me humble you now so I won’t have to do
it later. Before my audition I was praying that He’d help me remember the lines
and that things would go smoothly. During my turbulent recitation I was like,
Ummm, are you there God? I’m kinda in peril here. A little help. But in my mind
HE was sitting on the desk with His arms crossed, watching how I handled the
situation. Was I going to choose fight or flight? Was I going to wallow in self-pity
or learn the lesson? Was I going to throw His gift back in His face because it
wasn’t packaged the way I thought it should’ve been or was I going to accept it
for what it was and be thankful for the opportunity? In this instance, pride
didn’t come before the fall, failure came to prevent pride. Had I excelled in
my audition, I probably would’ve given myself major props. I’d have such a
false sense of security in my abilities that I’d stop practicing, fall back and
then I’d flop the next time around because I would wait until the night before
to review my lines, instead of disciplining myself to practice daily. Then I’d
whine about how I’m not sure this industry is for me because things weren’t
working out. One thing I know for sure is, it’s better to fail with God than
without Him, because He works everything out (even our failures) for the good
of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
In conclusion, I’m beyond glad
that I followed through with my decision to audition, despite the outcome. It
was an excellent start to my 31st year of life. I appreciate the lessons
gained from the experience. Although I have a long way to go
to be the best me, I’m well on my way.
Thanks for reading!
~E.volving
