One Step Closer

~Why worry over the problem, when you can worship the ANSWER~

Sheryl Brady

I guess I’ll just dive right in. No sense in sugar coating or giving a long introduction. Yesterday I had a date with my new Ob/Gyn. I broke up with my last Dr because she was very impersonal and showed little to no concern for the things that I would bring up during visits. Since the hubby and I decided we are planning to expand our family in the near future, I decided I needed to move on and get a fresh start. Turned out to be a great decision!

I had a gazillion questions and issues I needed addressed so I could go into my next pregnancy confident that my Dr would do everything possible to ensure me and the little one to come, would not endure the same misery I experienced with my last pregnancy. Before I could even get to my list, Dr. Suri got down to business. She wasn’t very happy about my lack of menstruation, and by the way Aunt Flo has been MIA for going on 6 months, so as fun as that is for my husband….it is cause for alarm, especially if we’re trying to get pregnant this year.

She answered pretty much every question I had before I even asked. It was a lengthy interview, very much like a date. In my mind I’m like lady, where have you been all my life?! We were a match made in Heaven. I felt super comfortable with her, minus the touchy feely part, but hey it goes with the territory.

Her conclusion was that I have 2 out of 3 symptoms that make me a candidate for PCOS, short for polycystic ovary syndrome. Which basically means I have a hormonal imbalance that causes my cycles to be irregular, among other things. As the name implies, I may have cysts on my ovaries but an ultrasound is needed to determine that. Ovulation, one of the key factors in getting pregnant is scarce and when it does happen I can’t track it because I never know when my period is coming. Sounds stressful right? It is, but I have determined that I am not going to worry about all the biologics and abnormalities going on within me. I mean I did get pregnant before, so in the words of Tye Tribbett, “If He did it before, He can do it again!”

When she first started all this PCOS talk, I was PCO-Stressed! But only for a moment. I left the office feeling weighed down. It didn’t help that Persia was tired, whiny and bugging me about gummy bears. This new “diagnosis” requires more tests, an ultrasound, some pills to get my period started, and possibly a medication to induce ovulation. I was like Lord! Why is everything so difficult for me? Why can’t I just be "normal" in one area of my life? I feel like I have to jump through hoops to get everything I want. Nothing is ever just easy for me.

Then I realized I was making a flesh move. Complaining was not the way to respond. Anger and bitterness was not the way to respond. Being impatient with my daughter was not the way to respond. Blaming God for what seemed like a “bad hand” was not the way to handle this. When you get in situations like this, you have to check yourself. God works everything out for the good of those who love and trust Him. I had to change my perspective. And to do that required me to choose worship over my worry.

All of the what if’s, how come’s, etc, they didn’t matter. When you focus on the problem and not the problem solver it puts you in a place of hopelessness. How can I say my hope is in the Lord and be distraught over my problems?

My biggest issue in that moment, actually it was several moments, was that I had an idea in my head of how I wanted things to go. They certainly aren’t going that way, they actually haven’t been for some time so I should be used to it. But shifting my focus from everything that I perceived was going wrong, made me lose sight of the fact that everything was actually going right.

My new doctor is awesome, insightful and has solutions to the things that I have been dealing with since my teens. It may require a few extra steps I didn’t account for, but God doesn’t operate with a limited human mind. He operates from an eternal perspective, so what feels like an eternity to me is really nothing to Him. Did I want to be one of those pill poppin women, who couldn’t get pregnant without medical intervention….Absolutely NOT! But guess what, my husband wants twins and there’s a 5-10% chance that we’ll have twins if I take the medication.

There’s so much more to the story than the immediate disappointment we feel when our plans, ideas and mini movies we make in our heads don’t play out the way we imagined. Proverbs 19:21 says, "We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails."

A lot of times we feel like it’s God punishing us or withholding something from us, but He's actually perfecting us using the carefully constructed, individualized plan He created for each of His children. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope."

Before I became pregnant with Persia I used to read Psalm 37:4 daily. It says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and petitions of your heart." The purpose of that is so that you will worship the Gift Giver over the gifts He gives, and as you find joy in Him, your will & desires begin to align with His.

While I may hate the wait, it is teaching me patience & shaping my character. I am learning to respond to problems with faith instead of fear, worship instead of worry. The end result may not be all of my prayers answered the way I desire, but my desire is to continually be in God's will even when I don't understand His ways. 


Peace & Blessings,
~E.Volving

Trust Without Borders

~Man says show me & I’ll trust you. God says trust me & I’ll show you~

When I first sat down to type out this post, I was on cloud nine. I had just returned from my first and last endocrinologist appointment, where I was given a clean bill of health! He said, my levels are normal and I can eliminate hyperthyroidism from my vocabulary. Go make babies, if I so choose lol. While I was celebrating and thanking God for His goodness, I realized that that was too easy.

What I mean by too easy is, I already know God at that level of faith. Our daughter was born at 26 weeks and spent 4 months in the hospital. I remember when she came home and a lot of people would say, “Thank God for modern medicine and the doctors, nurses, etc that were there.” That always irked me because I was like, Yes I am thankful for the health care professionals and the medical advancements, but there were plenty of families who we met in that NICU who didn’t have the testimony of a live, 100% healthy baby at the end of their journey. God gives life and takes it away and I’m thankful He chose to not only let her live, but to thrive with no residue of her experience except a small scar on her right hand.

Sorry about the rant, but you gotta give credit where credit is due. Anyways, yeah so even though I got rocked a little with the hyperthyroidism diagnosis, I knew it was a minor setback and distraction from everything I was supposed to be doing. A piece of cake for God to get in order with some prayer and dietary changes.

As I began my original post, I got writer’s block, which meant I was typing from my brain and not my heart. Deep breath….One of the things I pray every year is for God to increase my faith, because the Bible says that it's impossible to please God without faith (Hebrews 11:6). After I deleted everything I’d typed prior to this, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to share my most fervent prayer request. One I don’t even think I’ve shared with my husband. I was like, I don’t know about all of that. I’m all for transparency Lord, but everybody doesn’t need to know my prayer life.

Then, I started crying because I was afraid that if He didn’t answer my prayer I’d look like a fraud and people would say the God I serve isn’t real. But I’m going to do it anyway because it’s easy to find medical explanations for many things but only the Sovereign God can get credit for this one.

My grandmother, Essie Goodwin, lovingly referred to as Bom Bom, has very advanced Alzheimer’s. She’s been in a home for about 5 years. She is the only grandmother I’ve known and anyone in our family will tell you, she was the glue that held us together even when she was chasing the grandkids with switches she made us get off of the neighbors’ bushes lol. For the past 2 years I have been praying for her recovery. Why? Because it’s possible. 

How could I believe that, when she’s so far gone? 2 reasons. First, everyone on earth serves a purpose, and because God hasn’t chosen to take her to eternity she still has a purpose even if it’s just to prove His power for one day or even one hour. Second reason, the Bible says that if I have faith the size of a mustard seed, I can move mountains (Matthew 17:20) and that, "The prayer from the heart of a man right with God has much power (James 5:16). Those are my firm beliefs.  

What happens if God doesn’t heal her? Well, I’m praying for God’s will to be done and if that’s not a part of His plan then I’ll have to accept that. Asking God to increase my faith is not about whether or not He answers my prayers with a yes, it’s about trusting Him no matter what the outcome of a situation is or what circumstances look like. Either way my grandmother is going to be healed, it just may not happen until she gets to Heaven. So while my request may seem far-fetched and silly to some, what's important to me is important to God and He enjoys doing the impossible. 

What are you believing God for? Do your actions and confession (what you say) match your belief? Nelson Mandela said, “One cannot be prepared for something while secretly believing it will not happen.” Ask God to do the impossible and give you trust without borders. I dare you. 

(https://youtu.be/zleUIpSegfk?t=33s)

For with God nothing [is or ever] shall be impossible. 

~Luke 1:37 (AMP)~

Peace & Love,

E.Volving

The Positive In My Negative

~There are years that ask questions, and years that answer~

Zora Neale Hurston

I wasn’t quite sure how I wanted to share this, meaning a quick IG post or an actual blog post. I’ve obviously chosen the latter.

Last week my husband and I had a tough conversation. One I had been dreading but knew it was inevitable. Back to that in a minute.

My last post left off with me explaining how I was pretty emotionally rattled by my hyperthyroidism diagnosis since it doesn’t work too well with trying to conceive. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’ve made peace with it, because it is my enemy. An unwelcome guest in my body and I’m not planning to allow it to stay. The Bible says, He will make my enemies my footstool and anything that opposes the plans God has for my life, is an enemy. That is not limited to people, it includes things (idols), faulty mindsets, sicknesses etc. What I have determined is that I will:

1.    Be very cautious not to allow myself to fall into a state of self-pity, or the other extreme which is to completely ignore it.

2.    Do my part to insure I am taking care of myself physically. If that means I have to do a diet overhaul and join a gym, so be it. I’m very anti-meds, but if that’s what it takes I won’t resist, but that will be my last resort.

3.    Learn the lesson. Last year I decided to stop playing victim and boss up! Stuff is ALWAYS going to happen in life, but it’s up to you how you respond to the circumstances. So instead of lying on the couch everyday moping about how this isn’t fair, I’m seeking God to find out what He wants me to learn from this situation. Whether it be raising awareness, learning to be a better steward of my health, or any other reason He may have for allowing this to take place. Most of the things we go through in life aren’t really for us anyway. They serve a much greater purpose.

Back to the tough conversation *Sigh*. Seeing disappointment in the eyes of someone you love is never easy, especially your spouse. We were excited to start this journey to give Persia a little brother or sister (brother & sister if Billy had his way) and for it to end so abruptly sucks. But I knew it was the right decision to take a break from TTC until my thyroid is functioning properly. Not only that but it just doesn’t feel like the right season. We have so many new responsibilities and ambitions we’re pursuing that adding a new addition to the family would not be the wisest choice right now. As much as I’d love to be a part of the baby bump brigade, I know there’s no way I could carry a child with a clear conscious.  

At the end of last year I wrote in my journal that if I were not pregnant by January 1^st, we’d revisit the matter and discuss if it’s good timing. I had planned to take a pregnancy test on Christmas but knew it would dampen my mood if it were negative so I decided to wait until New Year’s Eve to pee on the stick. It was kind of awkward because I stayed overnight at a friend’s, so I had to pack the test in my bag and hope no one had to use the bathroom while I was waiting for the result. It was negative, but I had already resolved that if it were negative, I would see it as a necessary delay and not a denial. 

Zora Neale Hurston said, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” 2016 was my year of answers. While they may not have come as expected, I’m thankful that I now understand why none of my pregnancies reached full term and I can plan a course of action to make sure we have a healthy little chocolate baby when the time is right.

Peace & Love,

E.volving