One Step Closer

~Why worry over the problem, when you can worship the ANSWER~

Sheryl Brady

I guess I’ll just dive right in. No sense in sugar coating or giving a long introduction. Yesterday I had a date with my new Ob/Gyn. I broke up with my last Dr because she was very impersonal and showed little to no concern for the things that I would bring up during visits. Since the hubby and I decided we are planning to expand our family in the near future, I decided I needed to move on and get a fresh start. Turned out to be a great decision!

I had a gazillion questions and issues I needed addressed so I could go into my next pregnancy confident that my Dr would do everything possible to ensure me and the little one to come, would not endure the same misery I experienced with my last pregnancy. Before I could even get to my list, Dr. Suri got down to business. She wasn’t very happy about my lack of menstruation, and by the way Aunt Flo has been MIA for going on 6 months, so as fun as that is for my husband….it is cause for alarm, especially if we’re trying to get pregnant this year.

She answered pretty much every question I had before I even asked. It was a lengthy interview, very much like a date. In my mind I’m like lady, where have you been all my life?! We were a match made in Heaven. I felt super comfortable with her, minus the touchy feely part, but hey it goes with the territory.

Her conclusion was that I have 2 out of 3 symptoms that make me a candidate for PCOS, short for polycystic ovary syndrome. Which basically means I have a hormonal imbalance that causes my cycles to be irregular, among other things. As the name implies, I may have cysts on my ovaries but an ultrasound is needed to determine that. Ovulation, one of the key factors in getting pregnant is scarce and when it does happen I can’t track it because I never know when my period is coming. Sounds stressful right? It is, but I have determined that I am not going to worry about all the biologics and abnormalities going on within me. I mean I did get pregnant before, so in the words of Tye Tribbett, “If He did it before, He can do it again!”

When she first started all this PCOS talk, I was PCO-Stressed! But only for a moment. I left the office feeling weighed down. It didn’t help that Persia was tired, whiny and bugging me about gummy bears. This new “diagnosis” requires more tests, an ultrasound, some pills to get my period started, and possibly a medication to induce ovulation. I was like Lord! Why is everything so difficult for me? Why can’t I just be "normal" in one area of my life? I feel like I have to jump through hoops to get everything I want. Nothing is ever just easy for me.

Then I realized I was making a flesh move. Complaining was not the way to respond. Anger and bitterness was not the way to respond. Being impatient with my daughter was not the way to respond. Blaming God for what seemed like a “bad hand” was not the way to handle this. When you get in situations like this, you have to check yourself. God works everything out for the good of those who love and trust Him. I had to change my perspective. And to do that required me to choose worship over my worry.

All of the what if’s, how come’s, etc, they didn’t matter. When you focus on the problem and not the problem solver it puts you in a place of hopelessness. How can I say my hope is in the Lord and be distraught over my problems?

My biggest issue in that moment, actually it was several moments, was that I had an idea in my head of how I wanted things to go. They certainly aren’t going that way, they actually haven’t been for some time so I should be used to it. But shifting my focus from everything that I perceived was going wrong, made me lose sight of the fact that everything was actually going right.

My new doctor is awesome, insightful and has solutions to the things that I have been dealing with since my teens. It may require a few extra steps I didn’t account for, but God doesn’t operate with a limited human mind. He operates from an eternal perspective, so what feels like an eternity to me is really nothing to Him. Did I want to be one of those pill poppin women, who couldn’t get pregnant without medical intervention….Absolutely NOT! But guess what, my husband wants twins and there’s a 5-10% chance that we’ll have twins if I take the medication.

There’s so much more to the story than the immediate disappointment we feel when our plans, ideas and mini movies we make in our heads don’t play out the way we imagined. Proverbs 19:21 says, "We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails."

A lot of times we feel like it’s God punishing us or withholding something from us, but He's actually perfecting us using the carefully constructed, individualized plan He created for each of His children. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope."

Before I became pregnant with Persia I used to read Psalm 37:4 daily. It says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and petitions of your heart." The purpose of that is so that you will worship the Gift Giver over the gifts He gives, and as you find joy in Him, your will & desires begin to align with His.

While I may hate the wait, it is teaching me patience & shaping my character. I am learning to respond to problems with faith instead of fear, worship instead of worry. The end result may not be all of my prayers answered the way I desire, but my desire is to continually be in God's will even when I don't understand His ways. 


Peace & Blessings,
~E.Volving

Trust Without Borders

~Man says show me & I’ll trust you. God says trust me & I’ll show you~

When I first sat down to type out this post, I was on cloud nine. I had just returned from my first and last endocrinologist appointment, where I was given a clean bill of health! He said, my levels are normal and I can eliminate hyperthyroidism from my vocabulary. Go make babies, if I so choose lol. While I was celebrating and thanking God for His goodness, I realized that that was too easy.

What I mean by too easy is, I already know God at that level of faith. Our daughter was born at 26 weeks and spent 4 months in the hospital. I remember when she came home and a lot of people would say, “Thank God for modern medicine and the doctors, nurses, etc that were there.” That always irked me because I was like, Yes I am thankful for the health care professionals and the medical advancements, but there were plenty of families who we met in that NICU who didn’t have the testimony of a live, 100% healthy baby at the end of their journey. God gives life and takes it away and I’m thankful He chose to not only let her live, but to thrive with no residue of her experience except a small scar on her right hand.

Sorry about the rant, but you gotta give credit where credit is due. Anyways, yeah so even though I got rocked a little with the hyperthyroidism diagnosis, I knew it was a minor setback and distraction from everything I was supposed to be doing. A piece of cake for God to get in order with some prayer and dietary changes.

As I began my original post, I got writer’s block, which meant I was typing from my brain and not my heart. Deep breath….One of the things I pray every year is for God to increase my faith, because the Bible says that it's impossible to please God without faith (Hebrews 11:6). After I deleted everything I’d typed prior to this, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to share my most fervent prayer request. One I don’t even think I’ve shared with my husband. I was like, I don’t know about all of that. I’m all for transparency Lord, but everybody doesn’t need to know my prayer life.

Then, I started crying because I was afraid that if He didn’t answer my prayer I’d look like a fraud and people would say the God I serve isn’t real. But I’m going to do it anyway because it’s easy to find medical explanations for many things but only the Sovereign God can get credit for this one.

My grandmother, Essie Goodwin, lovingly referred to as Bom Bom, has very advanced Alzheimer’s. She’s been in a home for about 5 years. She is the only grandmother I’ve known and anyone in our family will tell you, she was the glue that held us together even when she was chasing the grandkids with switches she made us get off of the neighbors’ bushes lol. For the past 2 years I have been praying for her recovery. Why? Because it’s possible. 

How could I believe that, when she’s so far gone? 2 reasons. First, everyone on earth serves a purpose, and because God hasn’t chosen to take her to eternity she still has a purpose even if it’s just to prove His power for one day or even one hour. Second reason, the Bible says that if I have faith the size of a mustard seed, I can move mountains (Matthew 17:20) and that, "The prayer from the heart of a man right with God has much power (James 5:16). Those are my firm beliefs.  

What happens if God doesn’t heal her? Well, I’m praying for God’s will to be done and if that’s not a part of His plan then I’ll have to accept that. Asking God to increase my faith is not about whether or not He answers my prayers with a yes, it’s about trusting Him no matter what the outcome of a situation is or what circumstances look like. Either way my grandmother is going to be healed, it just may not happen until she gets to Heaven. So while my request may seem far-fetched and silly to some, what's important to me is important to God and He enjoys doing the impossible. 

What are you believing God for? Do your actions and confession (what you say) match your belief? Nelson Mandela said, “One cannot be prepared for something while secretly believing it will not happen.” Ask God to do the impossible and give you trust without borders. I dare you. 

(https://youtu.be/zleUIpSegfk?t=33s)

For with God nothing [is or ever] shall be impossible. 

~Luke 1:37 (AMP)~

Peace & Love,

E.Volving

The Positive In My Negative

~There are years that ask questions, and years that answer~

Zora Neale Hurston

I wasn’t quite sure how I wanted to share this, meaning a quick IG post or an actual blog post. I’ve obviously chosen the latter.

Last week my husband and I had a tough conversation. One I had been dreading but knew it was inevitable. Back to that in a minute.

My last post left off with me explaining how I was pretty emotionally rattled by my hyperthyroidism diagnosis since it doesn’t work too well with trying to conceive. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’ve made peace with it, because it is my enemy. An unwelcome guest in my body and I’m not planning to allow it to stay. The Bible says, He will make my enemies my footstool and anything that opposes the plans God has for my life, is an enemy. That is not limited to people, it includes things (idols), faulty mindsets, sicknesses etc. What I have determined is that I will:

1.    Be very cautious not to allow myself to fall into a state of self-pity, or the other extreme which is to completely ignore it.

2.    Do my part to insure I am taking care of myself physically. If that means I have to do a diet overhaul and join a gym, so be it. I’m very anti-meds, but if that’s what it takes I won’t resist, but that will be my last resort.

3.    Learn the lesson. Last year I decided to stop playing victim and boss up! Stuff is ALWAYS going to happen in life, but it’s up to you how you respond to the circumstances. So instead of lying on the couch everyday moping about how this isn’t fair, I’m seeking God to find out what He wants me to learn from this situation. Whether it be raising awareness, learning to be a better steward of my health, or any other reason He may have for allowing this to take place. Most of the things we go through in life aren’t really for us anyway. They serve a much greater purpose.

Back to the tough conversation *Sigh*. Seeing disappointment in the eyes of someone you love is never easy, especially your spouse. We were excited to start this journey to give Persia a little brother or sister (brother & sister if Billy had his way) and for it to end so abruptly sucks. But I knew it was the right decision to take a break from TTC until my thyroid is functioning properly. Not only that but it just doesn’t feel like the right season. We have so many new responsibilities and ambitions we’re pursuing that adding a new addition to the family would not be the wisest choice right now. As much as I’d love to be a part of the baby bump brigade, I know there’s no way I could carry a child with a clear conscious.  

At the end of last year I wrote in my journal that if I were not pregnant by January 1^st, we’d revisit the matter and discuss if it’s good timing. I had planned to take a pregnancy test on Christmas but knew it would dampen my mood if it were negative so I decided to wait until New Year’s Eve to pee on the stick. It was kind of awkward because I stayed overnight at a friend’s, so I had to pack the test in my bag and hope no one had to use the bathroom while I was waiting for the result. It was negative, but I had already resolved that if it were negative, I would see it as a necessary delay and not a denial. 

Zora Neale Hurston said, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” 2016 was my year of answers. While they may not have come as expected, I’m thankful that I now understand why none of my pregnancies reached full term and I can plan a course of action to make sure we have a healthy little chocolate baby when the time is right.

Peace & Love,

E.volving

Unexpected News (TTC Update)

~Trials create the testimony that increase your territory~

Ebony D. Clement

In my last post I left off talking about how Trying To Conceive (TTC) is a faith walk and I was waiting for my test results. What I didn’t share was what test results I was waiting for.

For the past month or so I’ve been having weird symptoms that made me wonder if I was pregnant or was it just prolonged pms. After 2 negative pregnancy tests and no Aunt Flo in sight I decided to make an appointment with my OB/GYN because I randomly started leaking fluid from my “lady lumps”. Unfortunately my regular Dr wasn’t available but one of the other Drs in her practice was. Against my better judgement I agreed to see the newbie, Dr.Siddiqui.

During my appointment she checked for lumps. Thankfully I had none. She asked about my medical history. She was very attentive and gave a few explanations as to why I could randomly have discharge from my breasts after not breastfeeding for 3 years and not being pregnant. One of the things she said was, “I don’t know what you do outside of here but uh, stimulation of ‘different kinds’ can make you release hormones that can cause random discharge.” I almost fell off of the table laughing. Other than that she suggested I make sure my bras fit well and to try wearing a sports bra to reduce any sort of stimulation if it persisted. Then she ordered some blood work, to test my prolactin level.

Fast forward to Tuesday, almost 2 weeks after my appointment. Usually, no news is good news. My Dr never calls unless there’s a concern but for whatever reason I decided to call to find out my results. After 10 minutes of being on hold and multiple transfers I spoke with the nurse who says, “Oh your prolactin levels were normal…*brief silence*. Oh, well that isn’t good. Looks like your TSH levels are abnormal. She (the Dr) didn’t put a note by it so I’m going to go talk to her and give you a call back.”

What the whaaaaaat??!!! Of course I jumped on the internet and started “researching” what low TSH levels meant and called my husband right away. I’m not one to freak about much of anything, but when you’re trying to have a baby you don’t want ANYTHING interfering with that process.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Dr called back. She explained that my T-4 and TSH levels were not normal…diagnosis subclinical hyperthyroidism. It felt like a punch in the gut. Now I know it’s not cancer or anything life threatening, but I’ve been telling ALL of my Drs since my teens that I had a hormonal imbalance that was undiagnosed. To find this out now, after years of suspecting it…I was NOT happy! While it explains a lot of the issues I had such as the lack of periods, constant fatigue, hot flashes, miscarriages and premature birth, this did not comfort me in any way. It’s another obstacle in the way of getting pregnant because the thyroid is vital and plays a large role in having a healthy pregnancy especially in the beginning stages.

I know! I know! I should be filled with glee because my “issue” was found and there’s hope for a healthy full term pregnancy when it does happen. I should be thankful that I know what’s “wrong” because there are people who go years with no explanation for their fertility issues. As a Christian, I should be relying on the comfort I have in knowing that all things work out for my good and God never gives us more than we can handle. But guess what, I’M NOT THERE YET!! It’s one thing to know it, it’s another thing to live it. This is a part of MY faith walk. Do I trust God, Absolutely! But while I trust Him, I’m in the grieving stage. I don’t know how to process this new information because I can’t see the endocrinologist until February. I don’t know the severity of my situation so I can’t really tackle it like it’s the flu or a common cold.

This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I have always prided myself on being healthy. Many people in my family suffer from health challenges that I wanted no part of, so I made sure I did what I could to avoid those things. But now I see that my best needs to get better. While exercising, not eating pork or beef and taking vitamins may have kept me from having heart disease, there are other changes I need to make to insure that this diagnosis does not rule my life.

Another reason this is difficult is because while I can’t change the past, I wonder what my quality of life would’ve been had someone caught this early on. Despite my state of being irked with the world (not really, just a bit overwhelmed) I will say that I am thankful that Dr.Siddiqui cared enough to look beyond the obvious. My normal OB/GYN probably wouldn’t have been as invested in my overall issues and would have treated the surface symptoms.

God sets us up to succeed, so even though this feels like another hurdle, boundary, obstacle on this TTC journey I know it’s not insurmountable. My prayer every year is for God to enlarge my territory. I would say that He has definitely done that in 2016. A lot of people want the territory without the testimony. But in order to receive increase, you have to be decreased and that means going through trials to remind you that you can’t do it on your own, and onlookers will not be able to deny that it was God who came through for you. Trials create the testimony that increase your territory, quote me on that ;) 

Peace & Love,
E.Volving

Trying To Conceive

~Faith In God Includes Faith In His Timing~

This is so out of the norm for me. I tend to be a VERY private person, leaving a lot to the imagination, but I decided that I’m going to take a chance and share a part of my journey that many women go through but aren’t willing or able to express because it’s so personal. My husband and I have officially decided we’re ready to expand our family. And by officially I mean, I’m 100% in lol, he’s been ready for quite some time. 

While I’m excited at the thought of having a new little bundle to spoil, the process to get that tiny tot reminds me of my own shortcomings and insecurities. Some background about me…there goes my privacy out the door (So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good bye!). Pregnancy freaks me out! I haven’t had the greatest experience with being pregnant, so at times I feel physically inadequate. Our 4 year old daughter was born 3 months premature (26 wks,1 day). I had an emergency c-section which almost ended fatally for us both. Prior to her I had 2 miscarriages. So you can kinda see how the thought of pregnancy would cause some anxiety.

Then there’s the fact that I only have about 3 or 4 menstrual cycles a year. That’s just my norm and after many unsuccessful attempts to regulate it with medication I’ve decided that I’ll leave nature alone. Plus, it has its perks. 3-4 months with no period…not many husbands would complain about that, if any ;)

I’m not into the whole charting, calculating, etc. So each of my pregnancies happened naturally with no planning. I remember right before I got pregnant with our daughter I had a whole crying fit (out of my norm as well) because a friend of mine had just told me she was pregnant and let’s just say it wasn’t the ideal situation for her. I sobbed several times because I didn’t know why God would make it so difficult for me to get pregnant when I’d done nothing but spend the majority of my life nurturing other people’s children. Now that I wanted my own, it was taking a great deal of time (so I thought).

Now that our marriage is in a healed state (that’s a whoooole nother book worthy topic) we are both ready to fulfill part of God’s original mandate to man, which is to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28) J Not only that, but another reason I’ve been very apprehensive about having more children is because I didn’t feel like we had the right community to raise them in. It really does take a village. But I’m thankful that we’ve formed friendships with people who are older and can counsel us as parents & couples who are in a similar season of life so our kids can grow up together. That really sets my mind at ease. I don’t want to be the only one on ‘Team No Sleep’.

As of now I’m not on birth control. I had my first and last depo shot (don’t recommend it) in February of this year. It’s a 3 month deal so it would’ve been ineffective as of the beginning of June. According to medical reports it can take up to 18 months for it to completely leave your system and withdrawal symptoms are similar to that of pregnancy (crap!). My last period ended sometime in September…it’s currently MIA but that’s not unusual. I’m taking prenatal vitamins, monitoring my diet, as well as staying off of websites like “baby center” and “the bump”. Nothing against the sites, I just don’t want to drive myself insane looking up every physiological twitch and cramp. It just adds to the disappointment when your “symptoms” are not what you hoped for.

*Side Note* One thing that is quite annoying about my lengthy cycles is the fact that I can’t just go on those websites to figure out when I would ovulate or peak fertile times because “normal” women have 28-35 day cycles. Mine is almost 3x that so there are no charts for that much irregularity.

I recently went to my OB/GYN to make sure everything is on the up and up. Waiting for the lab results for my hormone levels to come back. Other than that, it’s a faith walk. And as my former pastor said, “Faith without works is dead, so get busy.” Thankfully my husband and I like each other enough to “get busy”, so that shouldn’t be a problem lol. I will do my best to keep the updates coming, being as honest and transparent as possible without giving the super intimate details. Here’s to prayer & practice making perfect!

Thanks for reading and sharing in my journey J

~ E.volving

Pumped For Trump

Sooo America has elected a new president. A candidate who many of us deem unqualified & unworthy of the responsibility. While I am in total agreement with that opinion, I know God specializes in using the unqualified to draw people to Him.

Yesterday I made a conscious choice from the time I woke up, that I was not going to watch the election coverage. I did my usual, watched PBS throughout the day with Persia, went to an amazing prayer service, came home and watched King of the Hill with my husband and then I went to bed. Not because I don’t care about politics or the fate of our country, but because I know in whom I put my trust and whose promises will come to pass no matter who's in office.

So this morning when my husband came into the bedroom looking somewhat solemn, I knew that he was disappointed because his first time voting as a naturalized citizen had not yielded the results that he’d hoped, like those who had the opportunity to vote for Obama in previous elections. I’m not one to pile on the pity when others are in a funk so I asked him what was wrong, the conversation didn’t go anywhere. You know men, “Nothing” means I don’t want to talk about it right now. Which was fine with me since I am absolutely NOT a morning person.

Today was weird because there is this silent hysteria in the air. Like people don’t know how to react or how to interact because they’re not sure what political party you are for so they cautiously hold their breath and make small talk until they feel it’s safe. An example of this is when I took my daughter and my godkids to the park today. It was full of Caucasian families. We were the only people of color. The children immediately made “friends” and began playing tag, screaming their little heads off, but I could tell the parents were avoiding me. To be honest, I was avoiding them too, because I wasn’t sure how I’d react if someone were to disrespect me. Then I had to ask myself, would I have these same thoughts if the election had a different outcome or different candidates.

There was one particular gentleman I avoided because he didn’t look too friendly. He had the biker dude look, long goatee, rugged, very serious demeanor. But when his son began playing “too rough” with my daughter he came over and said in the calmest voice, “We don’t hit we give hugs.” Then we had a conversation in which I found out he’s a wrestler and teaches jiu jitsu. He also shared that he wanted to have 3 little girls and give them cute names like Minnie Mae, but they’d be fighters like Rhonda Rousey.

We went to another playground, against my will, where again there were mostly Caucasian families. Everything was fine. The kids were playing, parents were avoiding each other by looking at their phones…a normal day in the park kinda sorta. It was all good until my daughter decided to go hug a little white baby and exclaim, “Mommy this is my little sister!!” I was waiting for the child’s mother to make a face so I could punch her, but that didn’t happen (praise the Lord Saints!). But it turned into a pleasant conversation in which the woman said that maybe Persia needs a sibling…maybe I should’ve punched her for that (jk jk lol). The woman proceeded to leave but Persia wouldn’t stop embracing the child so I had to pry her little arms from around the pudgy porcelain faced infant.

Why can’t it be that simple? Why was I so on edge? For me it’s because as a Christian I am not worried about my provision. I know regardless of who’s in the White House, God is my provider. But as a mother who has seen the campaign our current president elect has run, full of hatred & divisive tactics I’m concerned for my child. I could care less what someone says to me, I went to a college in a town where there was blatant racism and I had a professor tell me I didn’t belong there. So I’m no stranger to racism, but it’s different when it’s directed toward my child or children I know. Jesus be a fence because my fists will fly, no questions asked (I'm a work in progress, pray for me). 

A good friend of mine from college, who happens to be Somali (get a map) and Muslim, sent an e-mail today asking friends to encourage her younger siblings because they are fearful of how they’ll be treated even moreso now that we have an “orange president”, as Persia calls him. It’s like this election has allowed for all political correctness and tolerance to be vetoed and ignorance and hatred are the “new” law of the land. The land of the free and home of the brave has become the land of the fearful and home of outrage.

As easy as it would be to bash Trump and the people who support him, I am not willing to sow verbal seeds that I will reap in the future. I will not criticize a seat I have not sat in, as my Apostle would say. And I will not dishonor those in authority. Although I am a citizen of the U.S. I am also a representative of the Most High. I choose to be more Christian than anything (Black or Democrat). And because of that I will not allow politics to govern my behavior or my views, because when all is said and done God isn’t going to pardon my sins because a heathen was in office. He instructed me to trust Him, love everyone and pray for those in authority (That’s Bible!, as John Hannah would say).

As I stated in the beginning, God has a way of using the unqualified to draw people to Him, whether they are working for or against Him. So Christians (true Christ followers, not church goers) need to take the proper posture and prepare for the revival that is coming to America. Beyond the hysteria there is hope and we have the answer. There is opportunity in the catastrophe. That’s why I’m pumped for Trump!

3 Lessons I Learned From A Failed Audition

~Some of Life's Best Lessons Are Learned At the Worst Times~

Saturday I had the opportunity to audition for a reputable talent agency in Chicago. I was super excited for several reasons. The first being, it was my birthday!! I felt like God was re-gifting a dream that I’d put on hold for various reasons. The second reason I was geeked is because it was a chance to redeem myself. This was the first agency I’d ever auditioned for and part of the feedback I received was that I needed to “change my hair”. At that time I was so insecure and unsure of my identity that I thought it was an attack on my overall being as opposed to a preference of a company that may have already had a natural hair model or thought I’d have more opportunities with a more versatile hairstyle.

The thing that brought me the most joy was the fact that the director of my favorite agency, K Models Talent (Chicago), called me that week to encourage me to audition, because she didn’t think I should give up on my dream just yet. I’d been having some internal dialogue with myself, as well as with God, about why I still felt this urge to be a part of the modeling world, even though I had tried to talk myself into believing it wasn’t for me. So when Mrs.Katrell called it was confirmation that I needed to move forward.

For 3 days I practiced my commercial like it was going to win me an Oscar. I was in the mirror for 45minutes, every few hours to make sure I got my lines perfected. I was determined to go in there and hit a home run, by having high energy and a winning personality. But when Saturday came that is NOT what happened.

Even though I spent a good deal of time reciting my commercial, I still had trouble memorizing it. To calm my nerves I told myself, it’s not a big deal as long as I executed it with "believability". When I arrived for the audition, I was content. There was no fear, which was different for me. I’m usually a nervous wreck, shaking and trembling. But I felt confident because I had all of the right tools, the right attitude and determination.

Shortly before it was my turn, my mindset began to change. I went from confident and excited to questioning if I really belonged there. What was I doing there anyway? I’m just a stay at home mom, with no real experience and no real chance. I serve people, I don’t seek success. It was bad. I recognized it and thought I’d talk to the best director ever to get some words of wisdom. What I really wanted was a way out, if I can be totally transparent.

It was my birthday, my husband had to cancel a few plans because I decided to go “redeem” myself and chase a dream I wasn’t sure I’d catch. So I actually thought about leaving but something in me said, if you run now, you’ll run forever. The only thing I got out of my short conversation with Mrs. Katrell was that I was fighting something & I had to do some soul searching to figure out where I fit in this industry if I wanted to be a part of it.

That didn’t help me at all. The mounting pressure was becoming unbearable. There were only a few people ahead of me and I was getting more and more nervous as each person completed their flawless monologue or commercial.

When my turn finally came, I thought I was going to be okay. O-M-G!!!! It was theeee worst audition I’ve ever done. I stumbled over my words, forgot words, spoke too fast, had no energy…anything that could go wrong, went wrong times 100. It was bad, like I hope the ceiling falls on my head and crushes me or I hope the rapture happens right now bad. Whatever I had intentions of conveying during that audition did not happen whatsoever. Thankfully the guy I was auditioning for was patient and allowed me to start over a few times because I was not going to leave until I got through that commercial, which I did eventually. After I finished he gave me some advice & I left feeling super embarrassed but very accomplished. I reflected on everything that happened between the time I decided to audition and the actual audition, and here are 3 things I learned from the experience.

1. Shift or Quit – Meaning I needed to change the way I thought about myself. Over the past year God has been doing some serious renovating in my life. One of the biggest things that He’s dealt with is my view of myself. Though I have a much better sense of self, you don’t know how far along you are in your process until there is a test of wills. Was I going to let my old self win or the me I knew I could be? The old me wanted to run for the hills, not do the audition and try again next time. Who wants to do a bad audition on their birthday? Certainly not me! But I needed to do it, not just to redeem myself but to stay committed to the process that was started. I’ve always quit when things got tough. I’m grown so nobody could make me follow through on anything. But I remember at the beginning of this year I told God, I’m going to stay committed to the things I start and complete them no matter what. This was the second major test He gave me this year to prove that statement. So instead of quitting mid-audition because it wasn’t going well, I clenched my fists and actually said out loud, “I’m not going to quit”, pressed through and came out on the other side feeling better about completing something poorly, then I would’ve felt if I wouldn’t have completed it at all.

2. Perfection Is NOT Personable – One of my issues is that I am a perfectionist. My husband told me that it’s not a bad thing because I want to do things with excellence, but the thing that hinders me is that I wasn’t born a perfectionist, it was engrained in me through religion. Since I was a child, I’ve always felt like relationships were performance based. If I didn’t do something well, it wasn’t for me because my inability to succeed quickly, meant that I’d be loved less. That’s why I could perform in front of a stadium full of strangers with no problem, but put me in front of 10 family members and I just might die of fright. So when I started practicing my commercial I was so focused on perfecting my technique and memorizing the words, that I missed the whole point which was to be personable and draw people in. So it didn’t matter if I said everything I was supposed to, if I had no personality I wouldn’t sell the product. Anybody can recite lines, but being able to draw people in is what really matters.

3. Embarrassment Can Propel Excellence – One of my biggest pet peeves is being embarrassed. I haaate it with a passion. So to go into an audition knowing I wasn’t going to be flawless was a challenge for me. This is probably the biggest of the 3 lessons. As previously stated I have perfectionist tendencies, but I think God allowed me to fall on my face while I was close to the ground so I wouldn’t forget it once I reached new levels of success. He was like let me humble you now so I won’t have to do it later. Before my audition I was praying that He’d help me remember the lines and that things would go smoothly. During my turbulent recitation I was like, Ummm, are you there God? I’m kinda in peril here. A little help. But in my mind HE was sitting on the desk with His arms crossed, watching how I handled the situation. Was I going to choose fight or flight? Was I going to wallow in self-pity or learn the lesson? Was I going to throw His gift back in His face because it wasn’t packaged the way I thought it should’ve been or was I going to accept it for what it was and be thankful for the opportunity? In this instance, pride didn’t come before the fall, failure came to prevent pride. Had I excelled in my audition, I probably would’ve given myself major props. I’d have such a false sense of security in my abilities that I’d stop practicing, fall back and then I’d flop the next time around because I would wait until the night before to review my lines, instead of disciplining myself to practice daily. Then I’d whine about how I’m not sure this industry is for me because things weren’t working out. One thing I know for sure is, it’s better to fail with God than without Him, because He works everything out (even our failures) for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

In conclusion, I’m beyond glad that I followed through with my decision to audition, despite the outcome. It was an excellent start to my 31^st year of life. I appreciate the lessons gained from the experience. Although I have a long way to go to be the best me, I’m well on my way.

Thanks for reading!

~E.volving