Unexpected News (TTC Update)

~Trials create the testimony that increase your territory~

Ebony D. Clement

In my last post I left off talking about how Trying To Conceive (TTC) is a faith walk and I was waiting for my test results. What I didn’t share was what test results I was waiting for.

For the past month or so I’ve been having weird symptoms that made me wonder if I was pregnant or was it just prolonged pms. After 2 negative pregnancy tests and no Aunt Flo in sight I decided to make an appointment with my OB/GYN because I randomly started leaking fluid from my “lady lumps”. Unfortunately my regular Dr wasn’t available but one of the other Drs in her practice was. Against my better judgement I agreed to see the newbie, Dr.Siddiqui.

During my appointment she checked for lumps. Thankfully I had none. She asked about my medical history. She was very attentive and gave a few explanations as to why I could randomly have discharge from my breasts after not breastfeeding for 3 years and not being pregnant. One of the things she said was, “I don’t know what you do outside of here but uh, stimulation of ‘different kinds’ can make you release hormones that can cause random discharge.” I almost fell off of the table laughing. Other than that she suggested I make sure my bras fit well and to try wearing a sports bra to reduce any sort of stimulation if it persisted. Then she ordered some blood work, to test my prolactin level.

Fast forward to Tuesday, almost 2 weeks after my appointment. Usually, no news is good news. My Dr never calls unless there’s a concern but for whatever reason I decided to call to find out my results. After 10 minutes of being on hold and multiple transfers I spoke with the nurse who says, “Oh your prolactin levels were normal…*brief silence*. Oh, well that isn’t good. Looks like your TSH levels are abnormal. She (the Dr) didn’t put a note by it so I’m going to go talk to her and give you a call back.”

What the whaaaaaat??!!! Of course I jumped on the internet and started “researching” what low TSH levels meant and called my husband right away. I’m not one to freak about much of anything, but when you’re trying to have a baby you don’t want ANYTHING interfering with that process.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Dr called back. She explained that my T-4 and TSH levels were not normal…diagnosis subclinical hyperthyroidism. It felt like a punch in the gut. Now I know it’s not cancer or anything life threatening, but I’ve been telling ALL of my Drs since my teens that I had a hormonal imbalance that was undiagnosed. To find this out now, after years of suspecting it…I was NOT happy! While it explains a lot of the issues I had such as the lack of periods, constant fatigue, hot flashes, miscarriages and premature birth, this did not comfort me in any way. It’s another obstacle in the way of getting pregnant because the thyroid is vital and plays a large role in having a healthy pregnancy especially in the beginning stages.

I know! I know! I should be filled with glee because my “issue” was found and there’s hope for a healthy full term pregnancy when it does happen. I should be thankful that I know what’s “wrong” because there are people who go years with no explanation for their fertility issues. As a Christian, I should be relying on the comfort I have in knowing that all things work out for my good and God never gives us more than we can handle. But guess what, I’M NOT THERE YET!! It’s one thing to know it, it’s another thing to live it. This is a part of MY faith walk. Do I trust God, Absolutely! But while I trust Him, I’m in the grieving stage. I don’t know how to process this new information because I can’t see the endocrinologist until February. I don’t know the severity of my situation so I can’t really tackle it like it’s the flu or a common cold.

This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I have always prided myself on being healthy. Many people in my family suffer from health challenges that I wanted no part of, so I made sure I did what I could to avoid those things. But now I see that my best needs to get better. While exercising, not eating pork or beef and taking vitamins may have kept me from having heart disease, there are other changes I need to make to insure that this diagnosis does not rule my life.

Another reason this is difficult is because while I can’t change the past, I wonder what my quality of life would’ve been had someone caught this early on. Despite my state of being irked with the world (not really, just a bit overwhelmed) I will say that I am thankful that Dr.Siddiqui cared enough to look beyond the obvious. My normal OB/GYN probably wouldn’t have been as invested in my overall issues and would have treated the surface symptoms.

God sets us up to succeed, so even though this feels like another hurdle, boundary, obstacle on this TTC journey I know it’s not insurmountable. My prayer every year is for God to enlarge my territory. I would say that He has definitely done that in 2016. A lot of people want the territory without the testimony. But in order to receive increase, you have to be decreased and that means going through trials to remind you that you can’t do it on your own, and onlookers will not be able to deny that it was God who came through for you. Trials create the testimony that increase your territory, quote me on that ;) 

Peace & Love,
E.Volving

Trying To Conceive

~Faith In God Includes Faith In His Timing~

This is so out of the norm for me. I tend to be a VERY private person, leaving a lot to the imagination, but I decided that I’m going to take a chance and share a part of my journey that many women go through but aren’t willing or able to express because it’s so personal. My husband and I have officially decided we’re ready to expand our family. And by officially I mean, I’m 100% in lol, he’s been ready for quite some time. 

While I’m excited at the thought of having a new little bundle to spoil, the process to get that tiny tot reminds me of my own shortcomings and insecurities. Some background about me…there goes my privacy out the door (So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good bye!). Pregnancy freaks me out! I haven’t had the greatest experience with being pregnant, so at times I feel physically inadequate. Our 4 year old daughter was born 3 months premature (26 wks,1 day). I had an emergency c-section which almost ended fatally for us both. Prior to her I had 2 miscarriages. So you can kinda see how the thought of pregnancy would cause some anxiety.

Then there’s the fact that I only have about 3 or 4 menstrual cycles a year. That’s just my norm and after many unsuccessful attempts to regulate it with medication I’ve decided that I’ll leave nature alone. Plus, it has its perks. 3-4 months with no period…not many husbands would complain about that, if any ;)

I’m not into the whole charting, calculating, etc. So each of my pregnancies happened naturally with no planning. I remember right before I got pregnant with our daughter I had a whole crying fit (out of my norm as well) because a friend of mine had just told me she was pregnant and let’s just say it wasn’t the ideal situation for her. I sobbed several times because I didn’t know why God would make it so difficult for me to get pregnant when I’d done nothing but spend the majority of my life nurturing other people’s children. Now that I wanted my own, it was taking a great deal of time (so I thought).

Now that our marriage is in a healed state (that’s a whoooole nother book worthy topic) we are both ready to fulfill part of God’s original mandate to man, which is to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28) J Not only that, but another reason I’ve been very apprehensive about having more children is because I didn’t feel like we had the right community to raise them in. It really does take a village. But I’m thankful that we’ve formed friendships with people who are older and can counsel us as parents & couples who are in a similar season of life so our kids can grow up together. That really sets my mind at ease. I don’t want to be the only one on ‘Team No Sleep’.

As of now I’m not on birth control. I had my first and last depo shot (don’t recommend it) in February of this year. It’s a 3 month deal so it would’ve been ineffective as of the beginning of June. According to medical reports it can take up to 18 months for it to completely leave your system and withdrawal symptoms are similar to that of pregnancy (crap!). My last period ended sometime in September…it’s currently MIA but that’s not unusual. I’m taking prenatal vitamins, monitoring my diet, as well as staying off of websites like “baby center” and “the bump”. Nothing against the sites, I just don’t want to drive myself insane looking up every physiological twitch and cramp. It just adds to the disappointment when your “symptoms” are not what you hoped for.

*Side Note* One thing that is quite annoying about my lengthy cycles is the fact that I can’t just go on those websites to figure out when I would ovulate or peak fertile times because “normal” women have 28-35 day cycles. Mine is almost 3x that so there are no charts for that much irregularity.

I recently went to my OB/GYN to make sure everything is on the up and up. Waiting for the lab results for my hormone levels to come back. Other than that, it’s a faith walk. And as my former pastor said, “Faith without works is dead, so get busy.” Thankfully my husband and I like each other enough to “get busy”, so that shouldn’t be a problem lol. I will do my best to keep the updates coming, being as honest and transparent as possible without giving the super intimate details. Here’s to prayer & practice making perfect!

Thanks for reading and sharing in my journey J

~ E.volving

Pumped For Trump

Sooo America has elected a new president. A candidate who many of us deem unqualified & unworthy of the responsibility. While I am in total agreement with that opinion, I know God specializes in using the unqualified to draw people to Him.

Yesterday I made a conscious choice from the time I woke up, that I was not going to watch the election coverage. I did my usual, watched PBS throughout the day with Persia, went to an amazing prayer service, came home and watched King of the Hill with my husband and then I went to bed. Not because I don’t care about politics or the fate of our country, but because I know in whom I put my trust and whose promises will come to pass no matter who's in office.

So this morning when my husband came into the bedroom looking somewhat solemn, I knew that he was disappointed because his first time voting as a naturalized citizen had not yielded the results that he’d hoped, like those who had the opportunity to vote for Obama in previous elections. I’m not one to pile on the pity when others are in a funk so I asked him what was wrong, the conversation didn’t go anywhere. You know men, “Nothing” means I don’t want to talk about it right now. Which was fine with me since I am absolutely NOT a morning person.

Today was weird because there is this silent hysteria in the air. Like people don’t know how to react or how to interact because they’re not sure what political party you are for so they cautiously hold their breath and make small talk until they feel it’s safe. An example of this is when I took my daughter and my godkids to the park today. It was full of Caucasian families. We were the only people of color. The children immediately made “friends” and began playing tag, screaming their little heads off, but I could tell the parents were avoiding me. To be honest, I was avoiding them too, because I wasn’t sure how I’d react if someone were to disrespect me. Then I had to ask myself, would I have these same thoughts if the election had a different outcome or different candidates.

There was one particular gentleman I avoided because he didn’t look too friendly. He had the biker dude look, long goatee, rugged, very serious demeanor. But when his son began playing “too rough” with my daughter he came over and said in the calmest voice, “We don’t hit we give hugs.” Then we had a conversation in which I found out he’s a wrestler and teaches jiu jitsu. He also shared that he wanted to have 3 little girls and give them cute names like Minnie Mae, but they’d be fighters like Rhonda Rousey.

We went to another playground, against my will, where again there were mostly Caucasian families. Everything was fine. The kids were playing, parents were avoiding each other by looking at their phones…a normal day in the park kinda sorta. It was all good until my daughter decided to go hug a little white baby and exclaim, “Mommy this is my little sister!!” I was waiting for the child’s mother to make a face so I could punch her, but that didn’t happen (praise the Lord Saints!). But it turned into a pleasant conversation in which the woman said that maybe Persia needs a sibling…maybe I should’ve punched her for that (jk jk lol). The woman proceeded to leave but Persia wouldn’t stop embracing the child so I had to pry her little arms from around the pudgy porcelain faced infant.

Why can’t it be that simple? Why was I so on edge? For me it’s because as a Christian I am not worried about my provision. I know regardless of who’s in the White House, God is my provider. But as a mother who has seen the campaign our current president elect has run, full of hatred & divisive tactics I’m concerned for my child. I could care less what someone says to me, I went to a college in a town where there was blatant racism and I had a professor tell me I didn’t belong there. So I’m no stranger to racism, but it’s different when it’s directed toward my child or children I know. Jesus be a fence because my fists will fly, no questions asked (I'm a work in progress, pray for me). 

A good friend of mine from college, who happens to be Somali (get a map) and Muslim, sent an e-mail today asking friends to encourage her younger siblings because they are fearful of how they’ll be treated even moreso now that we have an “orange president”, as Persia calls him. It’s like this election has allowed for all political correctness and tolerance to be vetoed and ignorance and hatred are the “new” law of the land. The land of the free and home of the brave has become the land of the fearful and home of outrage.

As easy as it would be to bash Trump and the people who support him, I am not willing to sow verbal seeds that I will reap in the future. I will not criticize a seat I have not sat in, as my Apostle would say. And I will not dishonor those in authority. Although I am a citizen of the U.S. I am also a representative of the Most High. I choose to be more Christian than anything (Black or Democrat). And because of that I will not allow politics to govern my behavior or my views, because when all is said and done God isn’t going to pardon my sins because a heathen was in office. He instructed me to trust Him, love everyone and pray for those in authority (That’s Bible!, as John Hannah would say).

As I stated in the beginning, God has a way of using the unqualified to draw people to Him, whether they are working for or against Him. So Christians (true Christ followers, not church goers) need to take the proper posture and prepare for the revival that is coming to America. Beyond the hysteria there is hope and we have the answer. There is opportunity in the catastrophe. That’s why I’m pumped for Trump!

3 Lessons I Learned From A Failed Audition

~Some of Life's Best Lessons Are Learned At the Worst Times~

Saturday I had the opportunity to audition for a reputable talent agency in Chicago. I was super excited for several reasons. The first being, it was my birthday!! I felt like God was re-gifting a dream that I’d put on hold for various reasons. The second reason I was geeked is because it was a chance to redeem myself. This was the first agency I’d ever auditioned for and part of the feedback I received was that I needed to “change my hair”. At that time I was so insecure and unsure of my identity that I thought it was an attack on my overall being as opposed to a preference of a company that may have already had a natural hair model or thought I’d have more opportunities with a more versatile hairstyle.

The thing that brought me the most joy was the fact that the director of my favorite agency, K Models Talent (Chicago), called me that week to encourage me to audition, because she didn’t think I should give up on my dream just yet. I’d been having some internal dialogue with myself, as well as with God, about why I still felt this urge to be a part of the modeling world, even though I had tried to talk myself into believing it wasn’t for me. So when Mrs.Katrell called it was confirmation that I needed to move forward.

For 3 days I practiced my commercial like it was going to win me an Oscar. I was in the mirror for 45minutes, every few hours to make sure I got my lines perfected. I was determined to go in there and hit a home run, by having high energy and a winning personality. But when Saturday came that is NOT what happened.

Even though I spent a good deal of time reciting my commercial, I still had trouble memorizing it. To calm my nerves I told myself, it’s not a big deal as long as I executed it with "believability". When I arrived for the audition, I was content. There was no fear, which was different for me. I’m usually a nervous wreck, shaking and trembling. But I felt confident because I had all of the right tools, the right attitude and determination.

Shortly before it was my turn, my mindset began to change. I went from confident and excited to questioning if I really belonged there. What was I doing there anyway? I’m just a stay at home mom, with no real experience and no real chance. I serve people, I don’t seek success. It was bad. I recognized it and thought I’d talk to the best director ever to get some words of wisdom. What I really wanted was a way out, if I can be totally transparent.

It was my birthday, my husband had to cancel a few plans because I decided to go “redeem” myself and chase a dream I wasn’t sure I’d catch. So I actually thought about leaving but something in me said, if you run now, you’ll run forever. The only thing I got out of my short conversation with Mrs. Katrell was that I was fighting something & I had to do some soul searching to figure out where I fit in this industry if I wanted to be a part of it.

That didn’t help me at all. The mounting pressure was becoming unbearable. There were only a few people ahead of me and I was getting more and more nervous as each person completed their flawless monologue or commercial.

When my turn finally came, I thought I was going to be okay. O-M-G!!!! It was theeee worst audition I’ve ever done. I stumbled over my words, forgot words, spoke too fast, had no energy…anything that could go wrong, went wrong times 100. It was bad, like I hope the ceiling falls on my head and crushes me or I hope the rapture happens right now bad. Whatever I had intentions of conveying during that audition did not happen whatsoever. Thankfully the guy I was auditioning for was patient and allowed me to start over a few times because I was not going to leave until I got through that commercial, which I did eventually. After I finished he gave me some advice & I left feeling super embarrassed but very accomplished. I reflected on everything that happened between the time I decided to audition and the actual audition, and here are 3 things I learned from the experience.

1. Shift or Quit – Meaning I needed to change the way I thought about myself. Over the past year God has been doing some serious renovating in my life. One of the biggest things that He’s dealt with is my view of myself. Though I have a much better sense of self, you don’t know how far along you are in your process until there is a test of wills. Was I going to let my old self win or the me I knew I could be? The old me wanted to run for the hills, not do the audition and try again next time. Who wants to do a bad audition on their birthday? Certainly not me! But I needed to do it, not just to redeem myself but to stay committed to the process that was started. I’ve always quit when things got tough. I’m grown so nobody could make me follow through on anything. But I remember at the beginning of this year I told God, I’m going to stay committed to the things I start and complete them no matter what. This was the second major test He gave me this year to prove that statement. So instead of quitting mid-audition because it wasn’t going well, I clenched my fists and actually said out loud, “I’m not going to quit”, pressed through and came out on the other side feeling better about completing something poorly, then I would’ve felt if I wouldn’t have completed it at all.

2. Perfection Is NOT Personable – One of my issues is that I am a perfectionist. My husband told me that it’s not a bad thing because I want to do things with excellence, but the thing that hinders me is that I wasn’t born a perfectionist, it was engrained in me through religion. Since I was a child, I’ve always felt like relationships were performance based. If I didn’t do something well, it wasn’t for me because my inability to succeed quickly, meant that I’d be loved less. That’s why I could perform in front of a stadium full of strangers with no problem, but put me in front of 10 family members and I just might die of fright. So when I started practicing my commercial I was so focused on perfecting my technique and memorizing the words, that I missed the whole point which was to be personable and draw people in. So it didn’t matter if I said everything I was supposed to, if I had no personality I wouldn’t sell the product. Anybody can recite lines, but being able to draw people in is what really matters.

3. Embarrassment Can Propel Excellence – One of my biggest pet peeves is being embarrassed. I haaate it with a passion. So to go into an audition knowing I wasn’t going to be flawless was a challenge for me. This is probably the biggest of the 3 lessons. As previously stated I have perfectionist tendencies, but I think God allowed me to fall on my face while I was close to the ground so I wouldn’t forget it once I reached new levels of success. He was like let me humble you now so I won’t have to do it later. Before my audition I was praying that He’d help me remember the lines and that things would go smoothly. During my turbulent recitation I was like, Ummm, are you there God? I’m kinda in peril here. A little help. But in my mind HE was sitting on the desk with His arms crossed, watching how I handled the situation. Was I going to choose fight or flight? Was I going to wallow in self-pity or learn the lesson? Was I going to throw His gift back in His face because it wasn’t packaged the way I thought it should’ve been or was I going to accept it for what it was and be thankful for the opportunity? In this instance, pride didn’t come before the fall, failure came to prevent pride. Had I excelled in my audition, I probably would’ve given myself major props. I’d have such a false sense of security in my abilities that I’d stop practicing, fall back and then I’d flop the next time around because I would wait until the night before to review my lines, instead of disciplining myself to practice daily. Then I’d whine about how I’m not sure this industry is for me because things weren’t working out. One thing I know for sure is, it’s better to fail with God than without Him, because He works everything out (even our failures) for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

In conclusion, I’m beyond glad that I followed through with my decision to audition, despite the outcome. It was an excellent start to my 31^st year of life. I appreciate the lessons gained from the experience. Although I have a long way to go to be the best me, I’m well on my way.

Thanks for reading!

~E.volving

Death To Dysfunction

    

                     One yes to God, is 1000 no's to Hell

                                                 ~Dr.Matthew L. Stevenson III

At the beginning of this year, I committed myself to wholeheartedly pursuing God's purpose for my life. I had done some dabbling, but when times got tough I'd quit. Whenever you make any type of vow, promise or commitment that involves making positive changes in your life, be prepared to be tested (prepared not paranoid).

So the year started out great! I was motivated. Had my little vision board party. Was working on personal, physical & spiritual development. Doing all of the right things...and then my marriage suffered a massive attack. 

It didn't catch me off guard because I'm well aware of the enemy's tactics & God had been preparing me for that very moment over the last several months. It rocked the boat a bit but didn't capsize it.

But in that particular storm I realized how dysfunctional our marriage had been. On the outside looking in we looked fairly normal, on social media we looked great, but in REALITY we were a ticking time bomb.

How so, you ask? Well here's some backstory. We both came from broken homes. We're both the eldest of fairly large families (5 & 6 children), so we naturally took on more responsibility once things went awry in our homes.

When we were married in 2009, we didn't have a strong foundation or grasp on how a healthy marriage was supposed to work. We were basically roommates with paperwork that said we could claim each other on our taxes & have sex without making God mad. We had no "married couple" friends to hang out with or to hold us accountable. We were just out here wingin it.

No one was pouring into us, teaching us how to be the best spouse for the other. I mean, marriage is like a plant. If you want it to grow it has to be watered & as far as I know, there is no such thing as a self watering plant. So we lacked nourishment when our marriage was in its seedling state.

We repeatedly tried to start businesses, but would always plateau. That should've clued us in on how dysfunctional we were. We never got the whole working as a team thing down, and it's still a work in progress. 

Anyways, during my whole purpose driven new year I decided I was going to focus on becoming a better wife as opposed to trying to make him a better husband. Goal! That means different things to different people depending on your household dynamics, but my main concern was making sure my husband felt respected when he was home(no more sarcasm).

Then the tsunami came and tried to take us out. I contemplated leaving, but I knew if I truly wanted to end this cycle of dysfunction and broken families that we were so accustomed to, I had to endure. Doing things God's way is generally not easy and there will be many challenges, but the rewards are greater than the struggle.

For better or for worse means just that, for better or for worse. If I had left when we got to the worst, what would that say about my character? What would that say about my faith? Being married is a ministry. It's not just about the covenant you make on your wedding day. It's also about the value you add to generations and those around you, by modeling the ultimate example of Christ's love. Extending grace, love and forgiveness in all circumstances. Daily dying to self for the one you vowed to love til death do you part.  

So I'm thankful that we experienced a temporary setback. It brought us to a place where God could break us down individually, work on our hearts and bring us back together with a solid foundation. 

Now that we see the error of our ways we can avoid those same pitfalls in the future, seek help when needed and be an example of a healthy Christ-centered marriage.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

Romans 8:28 (NLT)

Peace & Blessings,

E.Volving

Pursue Your Dream

An original poem written in July of 2009 during a period when I was newly married, full of imagination, and in love with every possibility.

Pursue your dream

Do what you must

Think of it as a journey--

Fulfill my dream or bust

Though harsh winds may blow

with a mighty gust

Remember to give the Lord

ALL of your trust

He will guide you through

because He is faithful & just

Even when others gawk

and look at you in disgust

Continue toward your dream

like a man filled with lust

Don't wait until you're old

and your body begins to rust

because time quickly passes 

and your dream will turn to dust

@Ebony D. Clement (7/20/09)

Original Untitled Poem

My mane is not meant to be tame

It’s stubborn and commanding, like a lion on the plain

It’s wild and free

Like a part of my ancestors living through me

It grieves me how much torture I’ve put my hair through

Starting with the yank & pull of straightening tools

So ashamed of my kinks and coils

I placed them at the mercy of straightening oils

And if that didn’t work to hide my curls and naps

I’d keep them in bondage under yaki tracks

The last thing I did that I wish I could take back

I started using that creamy crack

That sodium hydroxide had my hair looking its best

But as time wore on it suffered a slow white death

That relaxer was murder to my follicles

But I was unaware because its grip was so powerful

My hair began to yearn for perms

All of the time and money I’d sacrifice just to get a chemical burn

When I saw new growth I had to feed my addiction

This addiction subconsciously embedded due to racial affliction

I eventually began to realize

Each time I would choose between a lye or no-lye

I was making the decision to break, fry and dry

So not only did my hair suffer but part of my identity would die

Why did I care so much and go through all of these stresses

Just to have what I thought was beautiful tresses

My mind had been influenced by music and magazines

Telling me long straight hair is the standard of pristine

My own people having good hair bad hair debates

An opinion not based on health but how wavy or straight

I felt less valued because my hair definitely didn’t flow

So I ran to the perm to make it more manageable

When I looked in the mirror I felt more beautiful

But I didn’t realize my reflection was a portrait of society taking control

Forcing me into a mold of what true beauty is

A mold that doesn’t include naps, kinks or frizz

I had to rid myself of this common misconception

And chose to have a new perception

Taking my hair in the natural direction

For me my hair is now a picture of perfection

Having tight coarse curls is a part of being black

Accepting this truth set me on the right track

I’ve found it quite liberating to rock my fro

Even thought about getting dreads to see how long they’d grow

I don’t hate on those who choose to wear a straight do

But I am saying you also need to be comfortable being the true you

Face it we all want luscious locks

But as far as beauty is concerned we need to think outside the box

@ Ebony D. Clement

6/28/11