One Step Closer

~Why worry over the problem, when you can worship the ANSWER~

Sheryl Brady

I guess I’ll just dive right in. No sense in sugar coating or giving a long introduction. Yesterday I had a date with my new Ob/Gyn. I broke up with my last Dr because she was very impersonal and showed little to no concern for the things that I would bring up during visits. Since the hubby and I decided we are planning to expand our family in the near future, I decided I needed to move on and get a fresh start. Turned out to be a great decision!

I had a gazillion questions and issues I needed addressed so I could go into my next pregnancy confident that my Dr would do everything possible to ensure me and the little one to come, would not endure the same misery I experienced with my last pregnancy. Before I could even get to my list, Dr. Suri got down to business. She wasn’t very happy about my lack of menstruation, and by the way Aunt Flo has been MIA for going on 6 months, so as fun as that is for my husband….it is cause for alarm, especially if we’re trying to get pregnant this year.

She answered pretty much every question I had before I even asked. It was a lengthy interview, very much like a date. In my mind I’m like lady, where have you been all my life?! We were a match made in Heaven. I felt super comfortable with her, minus the touchy feely part, but hey it goes with the territory.

Her conclusion was that I have 2 out of 3 symptoms that make me a candidate for PCOS, short for polycystic ovary syndrome. Which basically means I have a hormonal imbalance that causes my cycles to be irregular, among other things. As the name implies, I may have cysts on my ovaries but an ultrasound is needed to determine that. Ovulation, one of the key factors in getting pregnant is scarce and when it does happen I can’t track it because I never know when my period is coming. Sounds stressful right? It is, but I have determined that I am not going to worry about all the biologics and abnormalities going on within me. I mean I did get pregnant before, so in the words of Tye Tribbett, “If He did it before, He can do it again!”

When she first started all this PCOS talk, I was PCO-Stressed! But only for a moment. I left the office feeling weighed down. It didn’t help that Persia was tired, whiny and bugging me about gummy bears. This new “diagnosis” requires more tests, an ultrasound, some pills to get my period started, and possibly a medication to induce ovulation. I was like Lord! Why is everything so difficult for me? Why can’t I just be "normal" in one area of my life? I feel like I have to jump through hoops to get everything I want. Nothing is ever just easy for me.

Then I realized I was making a flesh move. Complaining was not the way to respond. Anger and bitterness was not the way to respond. Being impatient with my daughter was not the way to respond. Blaming God for what seemed like a “bad hand” was not the way to handle this. When you get in situations like this, you have to check yourself. God works everything out for the good of those who love and trust Him. I had to change my perspective. And to do that required me to choose worship over my worry.

All of the what if’s, how come’s, etc, they didn’t matter. When you focus on the problem and not the problem solver it puts you in a place of hopelessness. How can I say my hope is in the Lord and be distraught over my problems?

My biggest issue in that moment, actually it was several moments, was that I had an idea in my head of how I wanted things to go. They certainly aren’t going that way, they actually haven’t been for some time so I should be used to it. But shifting my focus from everything that I perceived was going wrong, made me lose sight of the fact that everything was actually going right.

My new doctor is awesome, insightful and has solutions to the things that I have been dealing with since my teens. It may require a few extra steps I didn’t account for, but God doesn’t operate with a limited human mind. He operates from an eternal perspective, so what feels like an eternity to me is really nothing to Him. Did I want to be one of those pill poppin women, who couldn’t get pregnant without medical intervention….Absolutely NOT! But guess what, my husband wants twins and there’s a 5-10% chance that we’ll have twins if I take the medication.

There’s so much more to the story than the immediate disappointment we feel when our plans, ideas and mini movies we make in our heads don’t play out the way we imagined. Proverbs 19:21 says, "We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails."

A lot of times we feel like it’s God punishing us or withholding something from us, but He's actually perfecting us using the carefully constructed, individualized plan He created for each of His children. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope."

Before I became pregnant with Persia I used to read Psalm 37:4 daily. It says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and petitions of your heart." The purpose of that is so that you will worship the Gift Giver over the gifts He gives, and as you find joy in Him, your will & desires begin to align with His.

While I may hate the wait, it is teaching me patience & shaping my character. I am learning to respond to problems with faith instead of fear, worship instead of worry. The end result may not be all of my prayers answered the way I desire, but my desire is to continually be in God's will even when I don't understand His ways. 


Peace & Blessings,
~E.Volving

Trust Without Borders

~Man says show me & I’ll trust you. God says trust me & I’ll show you~

When I first sat down to type out this post, I was on cloud nine. I had just returned from my first and last endocrinologist appointment, where I was given a clean bill of health! He said, my levels are normal and I can eliminate hyperthyroidism from my vocabulary. Go make babies, if I so choose lol. While I was celebrating and thanking God for His goodness, I realized that that was too easy.

What I mean by too easy is, I already know God at that level of faith. Our daughter was born at 26 weeks and spent 4 months in the hospital. I remember when she came home and a lot of people would say, “Thank God for modern medicine and the doctors, nurses, etc that were there.” That always irked me because I was like, Yes I am thankful for the health care professionals and the medical advancements, but there were plenty of families who we met in that NICU who didn’t have the testimony of a live, 100% healthy baby at the end of their journey. God gives life and takes it away and I’m thankful He chose to not only let her live, but to thrive with no residue of her experience except a small scar on her right hand.

Sorry about the rant, but you gotta give credit where credit is due. Anyways, yeah so even though I got rocked a little with the hyperthyroidism diagnosis, I knew it was a minor setback and distraction from everything I was supposed to be doing. A piece of cake for God to get in order with some prayer and dietary changes.

As I began my original post, I got writer’s block, which meant I was typing from my brain and not my heart. Deep breath….One of the things I pray every year is for God to increase my faith, because the Bible says that it's impossible to please God without faith (Hebrews 11:6). After I deleted everything I’d typed prior to this, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to share my most fervent prayer request. One I don’t even think I’ve shared with my husband. I was like, I don’t know about all of that. I’m all for transparency Lord, but everybody doesn’t need to know my prayer life.

Then, I started crying because I was afraid that if He didn’t answer my prayer I’d look like a fraud and people would say the God I serve isn’t real. But I’m going to do it anyway because it’s easy to find medical explanations for many things but only the Sovereign God can get credit for this one.

My grandmother, Essie Goodwin, lovingly referred to as Bom Bom, has very advanced Alzheimer’s. She’s been in a home for about 5 years. She is the only grandmother I’ve known and anyone in our family will tell you, she was the glue that held us together even when she was chasing the grandkids with switches she made us get off of the neighbors’ bushes lol. For the past 2 years I have been praying for her recovery. Why? Because it’s possible. 

How could I believe that, when she’s so far gone? 2 reasons. First, everyone on earth serves a purpose, and because God hasn’t chosen to take her to eternity she still has a purpose even if it’s just to prove His power for one day or even one hour. Second reason, the Bible says that if I have faith the size of a mustard seed, I can move mountains (Matthew 17:20) and that, "The prayer from the heart of a man right with God has much power (James 5:16). Those are my firm beliefs.  

What happens if God doesn’t heal her? Well, I’m praying for God’s will to be done and if that’s not a part of His plan then I’ll have to accept that. Asking God to increase my faith is not about whether or not He answers my prayers with a yes, it’s about trusting Him no matter what the outcome of a situation is or what circumstances look like. Either way my grandmother is going to be healed, it just may not happen until she gets to Heaven. So while my request may seem far-fetched and silly to some, what's important to me is important to God and He enjoys doing the impossible. 

What are you believing God for? Do your actions and confession (what you say) match your belief? Nelson Mandela said, “One cannot be prepared for something while secretly believing it will not happen.” Ask God to do the impossible and give you trust without borders. I dare you. 

(https://youtu.be/zleUIpSegfk?t=33s)

For with God nothing [is or ever] shall be impossible. 

~Luke 1:37 (AMP)~

Peace & Love,

E.Volving

3 Lessons I Learned From A Failed Audition

~Some of Life's Best Lessons Are Learned At the Worst Times~

Saturday I had the opportunity to audition for a reputable talent agency in Chicago. I was super excited for several reasons. The first being, it was my birthday!! I felt like God was re-gifting a dream that I’d put on hold for various reasons. The second reason I was geeked is because it was a chance to redeem myself. This was the first agency I’d ever auditioned for and part of the feedback I received was that I needed to “change my hair”. At that time I was so insecure and unsure of my identity that I thought it was an attack on my overall being as opposed to a preference of a company that may have already had a natural hair model or thought I’d have more opportunities with a more versatile hairstyle.

The thing that brought me the most joy was the fact that the director of my favorite agency, K Models Talent (Chicago), called me that week to encourage me to audition, because she didn’t think I should give up on my dream just yet. I’d been having some internal dialogue with myself, as well as with God, about why I still felt this urge to be a part of the modeling world, even though I had tried to talk myself into believing it wasn’t for me. So when Mrs.Katrell called it was confirmation that I needed to move forward.

For 3 days I practiced my commercial like it was going to win me an Oscar. I was in the mirror for 45minutes, every few hours to make sure I got my lines perfected. I was determined to go in there and hit a home run, by having high energy and a winning personality. But when Saturday came that is NOT what happened.

Even though I spent a good deal of time reciting my commercial, I still had trouble memorizing it. To calm my nerves I told myself, it’s not a big deal as long as I executed it with "believability". When I arrived for the audition, I was content. There was no fear, which was different for me. I’m usually a nervous wreck, shaking and trembling. But I felt confident because I had all of the right tools, the right attitude and determination.

Shortly before it was my turn, my mindset began to change. I went from confident and excited to questioning if I really belonged there. What was I doing there anyway? I’m just a stay at home mom, with no real experience and no real chance. I serve people, I don’t seek success. It was bad. I recognized it and thought I’d talk to the best director ever to get some words of wisdom. What I really wanted was a way out, if I can be totally transparent.

It was my birthday, my husband had to cancel a few plans because I decided to go “redeem” myself and chase a dream I wasn’t sure I’d catch. So I actually thought about leaving but something in me said, if you run now, you’ll run forever. The only thing I got out of my short conversation with Mrs. Katrell was that I was fighting something & I had to do some soul searching to figure out where I fit in this industry if I wanted to be a part of it.

That didn’t help me at all. The mounting pressure was becoming unbearable. There were only a few people ahead of me and I was getting more and more nervous as each person completed their flawless monologue or commercial.

When my turn finally came, I thought I was going to be okay. O-M-G!!!! It was theeee worst audition I’ve ever done. I stumbled over my words, forgot words, spoke too fast, had no energy…anything that could go wrong, went wrong times 100. It was bad, like I hope the ceiling falls on my head and crushes me or I hope the rapture happens right now bad. Whatever I had intentions of conveying during that audition did not happen whatsoever. Thankfully the guy I was auditioning for was patient and allowed me to start over a few times because I was not going to leave until I got through that commercial, which I did eventually. After I finished he gave me some advice & I left feeling super embarrassed but very accomplished. I reflected on everything that happened between the time I decided to audition and the actual audition, and here are 3 things I learned from the experience.

1. Shift or Quit – Meaning I needed to change the way I thought about myself. Over the past year God has been doing some serious renovating in my life. One of the biggest things that He’s dealt with is my view of myself. Though I have a much better sense of self, you don’t know how far along you are in your process until there is a test of wills. Was I going to let my old self win or the me I knew I could be? The old me wanted to run for the hills, not do the audition and try again next time. Who wants to do a bad audition on their birthday? Certainly not me! But I needed to do it, not just to redeem myself but to stay committed to the process that was started. I’ve always quit when things got tough. I’m grown so nobody could make me follow through on anything. But I remember at the beginning of this year I told God, I’m going to stay committed to the things I start and complete them no matter what. This was the second major test He gave me this year to prove that statement. So instead of quitting mid-audition because it wasn’t going well, I clenched my fists and actually said out loud, “I’m not going to quit”, pressed through and came out on the other side feeling better about completing something poorly, then I would’ve felt if I wouldn’t have completed it at all.

2. Perfection Is NOT Personable – One of my issues is that I am a perfectionist. My husband told me that it’s not a bad thing because I want to do things with excellence, but the thing that hinders me is that I wasn’t born a perfectionist, it was engrained in me through religion. Since I was a child, I’ve always felt like relationships were performance based. If I didn’t do something well, it wasn’t for me because my inability to succeed quickly, meant that I’d be loved less. That’s why I could perform in front of a stadium full of strangers with no problem, but put me in front of 10 family members and I just might die of fright. So when I started practicing my commercial I was so focused on perfecting my technique and memorizing the words, that I missed the whole point which was to be personable and draw people in. So it didn’t matter if I said everything I was supposed to, if I had no personality I wouldn’t sell the product. Anybody can recite lines, but being able to draw people in is what really matters.

3. Embarrassment Can Propel Excellence – One of my biggest pet peeves is being embarrassed. I haaate it with a passion. So to go into an audition knowing I wasn’t going to be flawless was a challenge for me. This is probably the biggest of the 3 lessons. As previously stated I have perfectionist tendencies, but I think God allowed me to fall on my face while I was close to the ground so I wouldn’t forget it once I reached new levels of success. He was like let me humble you now so I won’t have to do it later. Before my audition I was praying that He’d help me remember the lines and that things would go smoothly. During my turbulent recitation I was like, Ummm, are you there God? I’m kinda in peril here. A little help. But in my mind HE was sitting on the desk with His arms crossed, watching how I handled the situation. Was I going to choose fight or flight? Was I going to wallow in self-pity or learn the lesson? Was I going to throw His gift back in His face because it wasn’t packaged the way I thought it should’ve been or was I going to accept it for what it was and be thankful for the opportunity? In this instance, pride didn’t come before the fall, failure came to prevent pride. Had I excelled in my audition, I probably would’ve given myself major props. I’d have such a false sense of security in my abilities that I’d stop practicing, fall back and then I’d flop the next time around because I would wait until the night before to review my lines, instead of disciplining myself to practice daily. Then I’d whine about how I’m not sure this industry is for me because things weren’t working out. One thing I know for sure is, it’s better to fail with God than without Him, because He works everything out (even our failures) for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

In conclusion, I’m beyond glad that I followed through with my decision to audition, despite the outcome. It was an excellent start to my 31^st year of life. I appreciate the lessons gained from the experience. Although I have a long way to go to be the best me, I’m well on my way.

Thanks for reading!

~E.volving

Pursue Your Dream

An original poem written in July of 2009 during a period when I was newly married, full of imagination, and in love with every possibility.

Pursue your dream

Do what you must

Think of it as a journey--

Fulfill my dream or bust

Though harsh winds may blow

with a mighty gust

Remember to give the Lord

ALL of your trust

He will guide you through

because He is faithful & just

Even when others gawk

and look at you in disgust

Continue toward your dream

like a man filled with lust

Don't wait until you're old

and your body begins to rust

because time quickly passes 

and your dream will turn to dust

@Ebony D. Clement (7/20/09)