The Positive In My Negative

~There are years that ask questions, and years that answer~

Zora Neale Hurston

I wasn’t quite sure how I wanted to share this, meaning a quick IG post or an actual blog post. I’ve obviously chosen the latter.

Last week my husband and I had a tough conversation. One I had been dreading but knew it was inevitable. Back to that in a minute.

My last post left off with me explaining how I was pretty emotionally rattled by my hyperthyroidism diagnosis since it doesn’t work too well with trying to conceive. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’ve made peace with it, because it is my enemy. An unwelcome guest in my body and I’m not planning to allow it to stay. The Bible says, He will make my enemies my footstool and anything that opposes the plans God has for my life, is an enemy. That is not limited to people, it includes things (idols), faulty mindsets, sicknesses etc. What I have determined is that I will:

1.    Be very cautious not to allow myself to fall into a state of self-pity, or the other extreme which is to completely ignore it.

2.    Do my part to insure I am taking care of myself physically. If that means I have to do a diet overhaul and join a gym, so be it. I’m very anti-meds, but if that’s what it takes I won’t resist, but that will be my last resort.

3.    Learn the lesson. Last year I decided to stop playing victim and boss up! Stuff is ALWAYS going to happen in life, but it’s up to you how you respond to the circumstances. So instead of lying on the couch everyday moping about how this isn’t fair, I’m seeking God to find out what He wants me to learn from this situation. Whether it be raising awareness, learning to be a better steward of my health, or any other reason He may have for allowing this to take place. Most of the things we go through in life aren’t really for us anyway. They serve a much greater purpose.

Back to the tough conversation *Sigh*. Seeing disappointment in the eyes of someone you love is never easy, especially your spouse. We were excited to start this journey to give Persia a little brother or sister (brother & sister if Billy had his way) and for it to end so abruptly sucks. But I knew it was the right decision to take a break from TTC until my thyroid is functioning properly. Not only that but it just doesn’t feel like the right season. We have so many new responsibilities and ambitions we’re pursuing that adding a new addition to the family would not be the wisest choice right now. As much as I’d love to be a part of the baby bump brigade, I know there’s no way I could carry a child with a clear conscious.  

At the end of last year I wrote in my journal that if I were not pregnant by January 1^st, we’d revisit the matter and discuss if it’s good timing. I had planned to take a pregnancy test on Christmas but knew it would dampen my mood if it were negative so I decided to wait until New Year’s Eve to pee on the stick. It was kind of awkward because I stayed overnight at a friend’s, so I had to pack the test in my bag and hope no one had to use the bathroom while I was waiting for the result. It was negative, but I had already resolved that if it were negative, I would see it as a necessary delay and not a denial. 

Zora Neale Hurston said, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” 2016 was my year of answers. While they may not have come as expected, I’m thankful that I now understand why none of my pregnancies reached full term and I can plan a course of action to make sure we have a healthy little chocolate baby when the time is right.

Peace & Love,

E.volving

Unexpected News (TTC Update)

~Trials create the testimony that increase your territory~

Ebony D. Clement

In my last post I left off talking about how Trying To Conceive (TTC) is a faith walk and I was waiting for my test results. What I didn’t share was what test results I was waiting for.

For the past month or so I’ve been having weird symptoms that made me wonder if I was pregnant or was it just prolonged pms. After 2 negative pregnancy tests and no Aunt Flo in sight I decided to make an appointment with my OB/GYN because I randomly started leaking fluid from my “lady lumps”. Unfortunately my regular Dr wasn’t available but one of the other Drs in her practice was. Against my better judgement I agreed to see the newbie, Dr.Siddiqui.

During my appointment she checked for lumps. Thankfully I had none. She asked about my medical history. She was very attentive and gave a few explanations as to why I could randomly have discharge from my breasts after not breastfeeding for 3 years and not being pregnant. One of the things she said was, “I don’t know what you do outside of here but uh, stimulation of ‘different kinds’ can make you release hormones that can cause random discharge.” I almost fell off of the table laughing. Other than that she suggested I make sure my bras fit well and to try wearing a sports bra to reduce any sort of stimulation if it persisted. Then she ordered some blood work, to test my prolactin level.

Fast forward to Tuesday, almost 2 weeks after my appointment. Usually, no news is good news. My Dr never calls unless there’s a concern but for whatever reason I decided to call to find out my results. After 10 minutes of being on hold and multiple transfers I spoke with the nurse who says, “Oh your prolactin levels were normal…*brief silence*. Oh, well that isn’t good. Looks like your TSH levels are abnormal. She (the Dr) didn’t put a note by it so I’m going to go talk to her and give you a call back.”

What the whaaaaaat??!!! Of course I jumped on the internet and started “researching” what low TSH levels meant and called my husband right away. I’m not one to freak about much of anything, but when you’re trying to have a baby you don’t want ANYTHING interfering with that process.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Dr called back. She explained that my T-4 and TSH levels were not normal…diagnosis subclinical hyperthyroidism. It felt like a punch in the gut. Now I know it’s not cancer or anything life threatening, but I’ve been telling ALL of my Drs since my teens that I had a hormonal imbalance that was undiagnosed. To find this out now, after years of suspecting it…I was NOT happy! While it explains a lot of the issues I had such as the lack of periods, constant fatigue, hot flashes, miscarriages and premature birth, this did not comfort me in any way. It’s another obstacle in the way of getting pregnant because the thyroid is vital and plays a large role in having a healthy pregnancy especially in the beginning stages.

I know! I know! I should be filled with glee because my “issue” was found and there’s hope for a healthy full term pregnancy when it does happen. I should be thankful that I know what’s “wrong” because there are people who go years with no explanation for their fertility issues. As a Christian, I should be relying on the comfort I have in knowing that all things work out for my good and God never gives us more than we can handle. But guess what, I’M NOT THERE YET!! It’s one thing to know it, it’s another thing to live it. This is a part of MY faith walk. Do I trust God, Absolutely! But while I trust Him, I’m in the grieving stage. I don’t know how to process this new information because I can’t see the endocrinologist until February. I don’t know the severity of my situation so I can’t really tackle it like it’s the flu or a common cold.

This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I have always prided myself on being healthy. Many people in my family suffer from health challenges that I wanted no part of, so I made sure I did what I could to avoid those things. But now I see that my best needs to get better. While exercising, not eating pork or beef and taking vitamins may have kept me from having heart disease, there are other changes I need to make to insure that this diagnosis does not rule my life.

Another reason this is difficult is because while I can’t change the past, I wonder what my quality of life would’ve been had someone caught this early on. Despite my state of being irked with the world (not really, just a bit overwhelmed) I will say that I am thankful that Dr.Siddiqui cared enough to look beyond the obvious. My normal OB/GYN probably wouldn’t have been as invested in my overall issues and would have treated the surface symptoms.

God sets us up to succeed, so even though this feels like another hurdle, boundary, obstacle on this TTC journey I know it’s not insurmountable. My prayer every year is for God to enlarge my territory. I would say that He has definitely done that in 2016. A lot of people want the territory without the testimony. But in order to receive increase, you have to be decreased and that means going through trials to remind you that you can’t do it on your own, and onlookers will not be able to deny that it was God who came through for you. Trials create the testimony that increase your territory, quote me on that ;) 

Peace & Love,
E.Volving

Trying To Conceive

~Faith In God Includes Faith In His Timing~

This is so out of the norm for me. I tend to be a VERY private person, leaving a lot to the imagination, but I decided that I’m going to take a chance and share a part of my journey that many women go through but aren’t willing or able to express because it’s so personal. My husband and I have officially decided we’re ready to expand our family. And by officially I mean, I’m 100% in lol, he’s been ready for quite some time. 

While I’m excited at the thought of having a new little bundle to spoil, the process to get that tiny tot reminds me of my own shortcomings and insecurities. Some background about me…there goes my privacy out the door (So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good bye!). Pregnancy freaks me out! I haven’t had the greatest experience with being pregnant, so at times I feel physically inadequate. Our 4 year old daughter was born 3 months premature (26 wks,1 day). I had an emergency c-section which almost ended fatally for us both. Prior to her I had 2 miscarriages. So you can kinda see how the thought of pregnancy would cause some anxiety.

Then there’s the fact that I only have about 3 or 4 menstrual cycles a year. That’s just my norm and after many unsuccessful attempts to regulate it with medication I’ve decided that I’ll leave nature alone. Plus, it has its perks. 3-4 months with no period…not many husbands would complain about that, if any ;)

I’m not into the whole charting, calculating, etc. So each of my pregnancies happened naturally with no planning. I remember right before I got pregnant with our daughter I had a whole crying fit (out of my norm as well) because a friend of mine had just told me she was pregnant and let’s just say it wasn’t the ideal situation for her. I sobbed several times because I didn’t know why God would make it so difficult for me to get pregnant when I’d done nothing but spend the majority of my life nurturing other people’s children. Now that I wanted my own, it was taking a great deal of time (so I thought).

Now that our marriage is in a healed state (that’s a whoooole nother book worthy topic) we are both ready to fulfill part of God’s original mandate to man, which is to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28) J Not only that, but another reason I’ve been very apprehensive about having more children is because I didn’t feel like we had the right community to raise them in. It really does take a village. But I’m thankful that we’ve formed friendships with people who are older and can counsel us as parents & couples who are in a similar season of life so our kids can grow up together. That really sets my mind at ease. I don’t want to be the only one on ‘Team No Sleep’.

As of now I’m not on birth control. I had my first and last depo shot (don’t recommend it) in February of this year. It’s a 3 month deal so it would’ve been ineffective as of the beginning of June. According to medical reports it can take up to 18 months for it to completely leave your system and withdrawal symptoms are similar to that of pregnancy (crap!). My last period ended sometime in September…it’s currently MIA but that’s not unusual. I’m taking prenatal vitamins, monitoring my diet, as well as staying off of websites like “baby center” and “the bump”. Nothing against the sites, I just don’t want to drive myself insane looking up every physiological twitch and cramp. It just adds to the disappointment when your “symptoms” are not what you hoped for.

*Side Note* One thing that is quite annoying about my lengthy cycles is the fact that I can’t just go on those websites to figure out when I would ovulate or peak fertile times because “normal” women have 28-35 day cycles. Mine is almost 3x that so there are no charts for that much irregularity.

I recently went to my OB/GYN to make sure everything is on the up and up. Waiting for the lab results for my hormone levels to come back. Other than that, it’s a faith walk. And as my former pastor said, “Faith without works is dead, so get busy.” Thankfully my husband and I like each other enough to “get busy”, so that shouldn’t be a problem lol. I will do my best to keep the updates coming, being as honest and transparent as possible without giving the super intimate details. Here’s to prayer & practice making perfect!

Thanks for reading and sharing in my journey J

~ E.volving

Death To Dysfunction

    

                     One yes to God, is 1000 no's to Hell

                                                 ~Dr.Matthew L. Stevenson III

At the beginning of this year, I committed myself to wholeheartedly pursuing God's purpose for my life. I had done some dabbling, but when times got tough I'd quit. Whenever you make any type of vow, promise or commitment that involves making positive changes in your life, be prepared to be tested (prepared not paranoid).

So the year started out great! I was motivated. Had my little vision board party. Was working on personal, physical & spiritual development. Doing all of the right things...and then my marriage suffered a massive attack. 

It didn't catch me off guard because I'm well aware of the enemy's tactics & God had been preparing me for that very moment over the last several months. It rocked the boat a bit but didn't capsize it.

But in that particular storm I realized how dysfunctional our marriage had been. On the outside looking in we looked fairly normal, on social media we looked great, but in REALITY we were a ticking time bomb.

How so, you ask? Well here's some backstory. We both came from broken homes. We're both the eldest of fairly large families (5 & 6 children), so we naturally took on more responsibility once things went awry in our homes.

When we were married in 2009, we didn't have a strong foundation or grasp on how a healthy marriage was supposed to work. We were basically roommates with paperwork that said we could claim each other on our taxes & have sex without making God mad. We had no "married couple" friends to hang out with or to hold us accountable. We were just out here wingin it.

No one was pouring into us, teaching us how to be the best spouse for the other. I mean, marriage is like a plant. If you want it to grow it has to be watered & as far as I know, there is no such thing as a self watering plant. So we lacked nourishment when our marriage was in its seedling state.

We repeatedly tried to start businesses, but would always plateau. That should've clued us in on how dysfunctional we were. We never got the whole working as a team thing down, and it's still a work in progress. 

Anyways, during my whole purpose driven new year I decided I was going to focus on becoming a better wife as opposed to trying to make him a better husband. Goal! That means different things to different people depending on your household dynamics, but my main concern was making sure my husband felt respected when he was home(no more sarcasm).

Then the tsunami came and tried to take us out. I contemplated leaving, but I knew if I truly wanted to end this cycle of dysfunction and broken families that we were so accustomed to, I had to endure. Doing things God's way is generally not easy and there will be many challenges, but the rewards are greater than the struggle.

For better or for worse means just that, for better or for worse. If I had left when we got to the worst, what would that say about my character? What would that say about my faith? Being married is a ministry. It's not just about the covenant you make on your wedding day. It's also about the value you add to generations and those around you, by modeling the ultimate example of Christ's love. Extending grace, love and forgiveness in all circumstances. Daily dying to self for the one you vowed to love til death do you part.  

So I'm thankful that we experienced a temporary setback. It brought us to a place where God could break us down individually, work on our hearts and bring us back together with a solid foundation. 

Now that we see the error of our ways we can avoid those same pitfalls in the future, seek help when needed and be an example of a healthy Christ-centered marriage.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

Romans 8:28 (NLT)

Peace & Blessings,

E.Volving