3 Lessons I Learned From A Failed Audition

~Some of Life's Best Lessons Are Learned At the Worst Times~

Saturday I had the opportunity to audition for a reputable talent agency in Chicago. I was super excited for several reasons. The first being, it was my birthday!! I felt like God was re-gifting a dream that I’d put on hold for various reasons. The second reason I was geeked is because it was a chance to redeem myself. This was the first agency I’d ever auditioned for and part of the feedback I received was that I needed to “change my hair”. At that time I was so insecure and unsure of my identity that I thought it was an attack on my overall being as opposed to a preference of a company that may have already had a natural hair model or thought I’d have more opportunities with a more versatile hairstyle.

The thing that brought me the most joy was the fact that the director of my favorite agency, K Models Talent (Chicago), called me that week to encourage me to audition, because she didn’t think I should give up on my dream just yet. I’d been having some internal dialogue with myself, as well as with God, about why I still felt this urge to be a part of the modeling world, even though I had tried to talk myself into believing it wasn’t for me. So when Mrs.Katrell called it was confirmation that I needed to move forward.

For 3 days I practiced my commercial like it was going to win me an Oscar. I was in the mirror for 45minutes, every few hours to make sure I got my lines perfected. I was determined to go in there and hit a home run, by having high energy and a winning personality. But when Saturday came that is NOT what happened.

Even though I spent a good deal of time reciting my commercial, I still had trouble memorizing it. To calm my nerves I told myself, it’s not a big deal as long as I executed it with "believability". When I arrived for the audition, I was content. There was no fear, which was different for me. I’m usually a nervous wreck, shaking and trembling. But I felt confident because I had all of the right tools, the right attitude and determination.

Shortly before it was my turn, my mindset began to change. I went from confident and excited to questioning if I really belonged there. What was I doing there anyway? I’m just a stay at home mom, with no real experience and no real chance. I serve people, I don’t seek success. It was bad. I recognized it and thought I’d talk to the best director ever to get some words of wisdom. What I really wanted was a way out, if I can be totally transparent.

It was my birthday, my husband had to cancel a few plans because I decided to go “redeem” myself and chase a dream I wasn’t sure I’d catch. So I actually thought about leaving but something in me said, if you run now, you’ll run forever. The only thing I got out of my short conversation with Mrs. Katrell was that I was fighting something & I had to do some soul searching to figure out where I fit in this industry if I wanted to be a part of it.

That didn’t help me at all. The mounting pressure was becoming unbearable. There were only a few people ahead of me and I was getting more and more nervous as each person completed their flawless monologue or commercial.

When my turn finally came, I thought I was going to be okay. O-M-G!!!! It was theeee worst audition I’ve ever done. I stumbled over my words, forgot words, spoke too fast, had no energy…anything that could go wrong, went wrong times 100. It was bad, like I hope the ceiling falls on my head and crushes me or I hope the rapture happens right now bad. Whatever I had intentions of conveying during that audition did not happen whatsoever. Thankfully the guy I was auditioning for was patient and allowed me to start over a few times because I was not going to leave until I got through that commercial, which I did eventually. After I finished he gave me some advice & I left feeling super embarrassed but very accomplished. I reflected on everything that happened between the time I decided to audition and the actual audition, and here are 3 things I learned from the experience.

1. Shift or Quit – Meaning I needed to change the way I thought about myself. Over the past year God has been doing some serious renovating in my life. One of the biggest things that He’s dealt with is my view of myself. Though I have a much better sense of self, you don’t know how far along you are in your process until there is a test of wills. Was I going to let my old self win or the me I knew I could be? The old me wanted to run for the hills, not do the audition and try again next time. Who wants to do a bad audition on their birthday? Certainly not me! But I needed to do it, not just to redeem myself but to stay committed to the process that was started. I’ve always quit when things got tough. I’m grown so nobody could make me follow through on anything. But I remember at the beginning of this year I told God, I’m going to stay committed to the things I start and complete them no matter what. This was the second major test He gave me this year to prove that statement. So instead of quitting mid-audition because it wasn’t going well, I clenched my fists and actually said out loud, “I’m not going to quit”, pressed through and came out on the other side feeling better about completing something poorly, then I would’ve felt if I wouldn’t have completed it at all.

2. Perfection Is NOT Personable – One of my issues is that I am a perfectionist. My husband told me that it’s not a bad thing because I want to do things with excellence, but the thing that hinders me is that I wasn’t born a perfectionist, it was engrained in me through religion. Since I was a child, I’ve always felt like relationships were performance based. If I didn’t do something well, it wasn’t for me because my inability to succeed quickly, meant that I’d be loved less. That’s why I could perform in front of a stadium full of strangers with no problem, but put me in front of 10 family members and I just might die of fright. So when I started practicing my commercial I was so focused on perfecting my technique and memorizing the words, that I missed the whole point which was to be personable and draw people in. So it didn’t matter if I said everything I was supposed to, if I had no personality I wouldn’t sell the product. Anybody can recite lines, but being able to draw people in is what really matters.

3. Embarrassment Can Propel Excellence – One of my biggest pet peeves is being embarrassed. I haaate it with a passion. So to go into an audition knowing I wasn’t going to be flawless was a challenge for me. This is probably the biggest of the 3 lessons. As previously stated I have perfectionist tendencies, but I think God allowed me to fall on my face while I was close to the ground so I wouldn’t forget it once I reached new levels of success. He was like let me humble you now so I won’t have to do it later. Before my audition I was praying that He’d help me remember the lines and that things would go smoothly. During my turbulent recitation I was like, Ummm, are you there God? I’m kinda in peril here. A little help. But in my mind HE was sitting on the desk with His arms crossed, watching how I handled the situation. Was I going to choose fight or flight? Was I going to wallow in self-pity or learn the lesson? Was I going to throw His gift back in His face because it wasn’t packaged the way I thought it should’ve been or was I going to accept it for what it was and be thankful for the opportunity? In this instance, pride didn’t come before the fall, failure came to prevent pride. Had I excelled in my audition, I probably would’ve given myself major props. I’d have such a false sense of security in my abilities that I’d stop practicing, fall back and then I’d flop the next time around because I would wait until the night before to review my lines, instead of disciplining myself to practice daily. Then I’d whine about how I’m not sure this industry is for me because things weren’t working out. One thing I know for sure is, it’s better to fail with God than without Him, because He works everything out (even our failures) for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

In conclusion, I’m beyond glad that I followed through with my decision to audition, despite the outcome. It was an excellent start to my 31^st year of life. I appreciate the lessons gained from the experience. Although I have a long way to go to be the best me, I’m well on my way.

Thanks for reading!

~E.volving

Death To Dysfunction

    

                     One yes to God, is 1000 no's to Hell

                                                 ~Dr.Matthew L. Stevenson III

At the beginning of this year, I committed myself to wholeheartedly pursuing God's purpose for my life. I had done some dabbling, but when times got tough I'd quit. Whenever you make any type of vow, promise or commitment that involves making positive changes in your life, be prepared to be tested (prepared not paranoid).

So the year started out great! I was motivated. Had my little vision board party. Was working on personal, physical & spiritual development. Doing all of the right things...and then my marriage suffered a massive attack. 

It didn't catch me off guard because I'm well aware of the enemy's tactics & God had been preparing me for that very moment over the last several months. It rocked the boat a bit but didn't capsize it.

But in that particular storm I realized how dysfunctional our marriage had been. On the outside looking in we looked fairly normal, on social media we looked great, but in REALITY we were a ticking time bomb.

How so, you ask? Well here's some backstory. We both came from broken homes. We're both the eldest of fairly large families (5 & 6 children), so we naturally took on more responsibility once things went awry in our homes.

When we were married in 2009, we didn't have a strong foundation or grasp on how a healthy marriage was supposed to work. We were basically roommates with paperwork that said we could claim each other on our taxes & have sex without making God mad. We had no "married couple" friends to hang out with or to hold us accountable. We were just out here wingin it.

No one was pouring into us, teaching us how to be the best spouse for the other. I mean, marriage is like a plant. If you want it to grow it has to be watered & as far as I know, there is no such thing as a self watering plant. So we lacked nourishment when our marriage was in its seedling state.

We repeatedly tried to start businesses, but would always plateau. That should've clued us in on how dysfunctional we were. We never got the whole working as a team thing down, and it's still a work in progress. 

Anyways, during my whole purpose driven new year I decided I was going to focus on becoming a better wife as opposed to trying to make him a better husband. Goal! That means different things to different people depending on your household dynamics, but my main concern was making sure my husband felt respected when he was home(no more sarcasm).

Then the tsunami came and tried to take us out. I contemplated leaving, but I knew if I truly wanted to end this cycle of dysfunction and broken families that we were so accustomed to, I had to endure. Doing things God's way is generally not easy and there will be many challenges, but the rewards are greater than the struggle.

For better or for worse means just that, for better or for worse. If I had left when we got to the worst, what would that say about my character? What would that say about my faith? Being married is a ministry. It's not just about the covenant you make on your wedding day. It's also about the value you add to generations and those around you, by modeling the ultimate example of Christ's love. Extending grace, love and forgiveness in all circumstances. Daily dying to self for the one you vowed to love til death do you part.  

So I'm thankful that we experienced a temporary setback. It brought us to a place where God could break us down individually, work on our hearts and bring us back together with a solid foundation. 

Now that we see the error of our ways we can avoid those same pitfalls in the future, seek help when needed and be an example of a healthy Christ-centered marriage.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

Romans 8:28 (NLT)

Peace & Blessings,

E.Volving

Pursue Your Dream

An original poem written in July of 2009 during a period when I was newly married, full of imagination, and in love with every possibility.

Pursue your dream

Do what you must

Think of it as a journey--

Fulfill my dream or bust

Though harsh winds may blow

with a mighty gust

Remember to give the Lord

ALL of your trust

He will guide you through

because He is faithful & just

Even when others gawk

and look at you in disgust

Continue toward your dream

like a man filled with lust

Don't wait until you're old

and your body begins to rust

because time quickly passes 

and your dream will turn to dust

@Ebony D. Clement (7/20/09)

Original Untitled Poem

My mane is not meant to be tame

It’s stubborn and commanding, like a lion on the plain

It’s wild and free

Like a part of my ancestors living through me

It grieves me how much torture I’ve put my hair through

Starting with the yank & pull of straightening tools

So ashamed of my kinks and coils

I placed them at the mercy of straightening oils

And if that didn’t work to hide my curls and naps

I’d keep them in bondage under yaki tracks

The last thing I did that I wish I could take back

I started using that creamy crack

That sodium hydroxide had my hair looking its best

But as time wore on it suffered a slow white death

That relaxer was murder to my follicles

But I was unaware because its grip was so powerful

My hair began to yearn for perms

All of the time and money I’d sacrifice just to get a chemical burn

When I saw new growth I had to feed my addiction

This addiction subconsciously embedded due to racial affliction

I eventually began to realize

Each time I would choose between a lye or no-lye

I was making the decision to break, fry and dry

So not only did my hair suffer but part of my identity would die

Why did I care so much and go through all of these stresses

Just to have what I thought was beautiful tresses

My mind had been influenced by music and magazines

Telling me long straight hair is the standard of pristine

My own people having good hair bad hair debates

An opinion not based on health but how wavy or straight

I felt less valued because my hair definitely didn’t flow

So I ran to the perm to make it more manageable

When I looked in the mirror I felt more beautiful

But I didn’t realize my reflection was a portrait of society taking control

Forcing me into a mold of what true beauty is

A mold that doesn’t include naps, kinks or frizz

I had to rid myself of this common misconception

And chose to have a new perception

Taking my hair in the natural direction

For me my hair is now a picture of perfection

Having tight coarse curls is a part of being black

Accepting this truth set me on the right track

I’ve found it quite liberating to rock my fro

Even thought about getting dreads to see how long they’d grow

I don’t hate on those who choose to wear a straight do

But I am saying you also need to be comfortable being the true you

Face it we all want luscious locks

But as far as beauty is concerned we need to think outside the box

@ Ebony D. Clement

6/28/11

The Blessing In the Breaking Pt.1

So this is completely out of character for me, but I feel like God wants me to share this because it could bless someone. I’m not here to convince or convict you, just tell my story.

Okay, so where do I start? Well, I realized I was struggling with depression when I was in college. Anyone who knows me will probably read this and be in disbelief, but that’s how the devil works. We make assumptions about what a certain thing looks like & when it doesn’t fit that idea, we doubt its truth. For me, depression was a coat I wore every day. Some days it was a light spring jacket, other days it was heavy enough for me to climb Mt. Everest.

College was the worst for me. As much as I looked forward to the experience, it proved to be more than I could handle. I was almost expelled (2x), because I could barely muster the energy to go to class, let alone do assignments. That’s a huge difference from the girl, who’d just been the valedictorian of her high school class. Thankfully I was able to get some counseling. I got back on track with the help of an amazing support team & was able to walk across the stage to receive my degree.

Fast forward to now. I’m 30 (yikes!), married for 6 years, a stay at home mom, and have a pretty decent life. Most people would think I have absolutely nothing to be depressed about. Depression clouds your perception of your blessings. I saw everything through the foggy lens of “if only”. For instance, if only we made more money Id’ be a little happier, if only my daughter would sleep through the night I’d be happier, if only….fill in the blank.

The past few months have been particularly hard for me for various reasons. But from the outside you couldn’t tell. I kept my mask intact. I didn’t let anyone see me cry, I didn’t call friends to complain, I just sucked it up and told myself, you can handle it, there are people who have it much worse. To be completely honest I was absent from my life. Most days, my first thought in the morning was, I can’t wait to go back to sleep. Which is crazy because I spent a great deal of time lying on my couch, doing the bare minimum to get through the day.

Sunday was always my favorite day. It was the day I got to dress up, be pretty & see if I could make it through church without completely breaking down. Could I keep up my façade? But in all honesty I didn’t want to. I wanted someone to see through the lie that I was “doing fine”. I wanted someone to hug me and say I’m praying for you, or ask is everything really okay. The sad truth is that many people share this issue. The church is supposed to be a place where you can go for healing, but so many of us are afraid of judgment, so we continue to die inside for fear of being next weeks topic for the church’s gossip group.

Anyways, about 3 weeks ago I had a major breakdown. I mean, I was balled up on the couch wondering if I was losing my mind. I was ready to quit everything! I was frustrated with God, I was irritated with my husband, life just sucked! But that breakdown was my deliverance. As T.D. Jakes would say, “there’s a blessing in the breaking”. There’s definitely truth to that. I had reached my wits end, and in that moment of feeling defeated, I realized that I had been doing things in my own strength for sooooo long. My strength had run out & now my soul was crying out. So now God could come pick up the pieces, redirect me, and release me from this spirit of darkness.

I really thought I was crazy for a minute. But at the same time there was a relief. Life is not my battle to fight. Other peoples’ expectations are not my enemy. All the stuff that had mentally plagued me for so long just came to mind and I just kept saying, Lord I can’t deal with this anymore! The whole time I was blubbering & carrying on I felt like He was right there, being the listening ear that I had been to everyone else. That nonjudgmental, loving, quiet spirit but with the added benefit of having the power to restore me, my soul and my mind. 

So, I didn’t lose my mind, but I did lose control. Actually I gave up control. I had to admit I was broken so I could be fixed. I had to be transparent with God. It was easy to fool everyone else, but God knows me inside and out. No sense in playing games. And for most of us that’s what He’s waiting for. He wants you to be open, honest and transparent with Him. Like that song ‘I want to be a Christian in my heart’. I always wondered what that meant. Now I understand that you can look like a Christian, talk like a Christian, walk like a Christian, dress like a Christian, and even post like a Christian. But at the end of the day it’s what’s in your heart that matters.

So that's the abbreviated version of my deliverance from the spirit of depression. I hope it has blessed or encouraged you in some way. Thanks for reading!

 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8:36 NIV)

With Love,

E.Volving